Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Goddamn it feels so fucking good to be part of America's largest 4G network.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
A good tweet is like a fine wine: who gives a shit.
CONFESSION: I've never actually read any of my friends' scripts. Always just give the same note: "Very cool, very 'Garden State.'"
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
Writer (Parks and Recreation, HBO's Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, The Onion.) Lead singer (Train.)