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My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Should I go on the Paleo diet or annoy my friends some other way?
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
Goddamn it feels so fucking good to be part of America's largest 4G network.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
A good tweet is like a fine wine: who gives a shit.
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
I always put Sanjay Gupta down as my emergency contact. Seems like anyone's best option.
Writer (Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.) Lead singer (Train.)