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Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
A good tweet is like a fine wine: who gives a shit.
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
CONFESSION: I've never actually read any of my friends' scripts. Always just give the same note: "Very cool, very 'Garden State.'"
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
My boyfriend and I just got to 24th base! (I picked his underwear up and smelled it to see if it should go in the hamper.)
Ever actually tried taking candy from a baby? Pretty tough, those suckers love candy & aren't afraid to make a scene. Anyway, I'm in jail.
How depressed are you, on a scale of 1 to going bowling alone?
Writer (Parks and Recreation, HBO's Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, The Onion.) Lead singer (Train.)