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My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I'm worried people are letting Donald Trump get away with saying all these insane things just because he's so fucking hot.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
praying they put a Pokemon Go on my clitoris so my boyfriend finally finds it
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
What if every Trump supporter who doesn't care that he's a racist, misogynistic bigot was like, "Plagiarism?! Well this we won't stand for!"
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
Congrats to Peyton Manning, a man who once put his genitals on the face of a female trainer as a fun goof! #SB50 http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/01/peyton-s-manning-s-forgotten-sex-scandal.html …
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
I think we can all agree that wearing a new shirt & having no one notice it is the worst possible thing that can happen to a person on earth
i write on the show, can we fuck? https://twitter.com/ryangosling/status/722985336586924036 …
"Not on my watch!" - girl whose boyfriend is about to jizz on her Rolex
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
just booked Buckingham Palace on Airbnb?
I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
Writer (Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Lady Dynamite, The Good Place.)
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