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My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I'm worried people are letting Donald Trump get away with saying all these insane things just because he's so fucking hot.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
Congrats to Peyton Manning, a man who once put his genitals on the face of a female trainer as a fun goof! #SB50 http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/01/peyton-s-manning-s-forgotten-sex-scandal.html …
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
i write on the show, can we fuck? https://twitter.com/ryangosling/status/722985336586924036 …
I think we can all agree that wearing a new shirt & having no one notice it is the worst possible thing that can happen to a person on earth
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
"Not on my watch!" - girl whose boyfriend is about to jizz on her Rolex
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
My boyfriend and I just got to 24th base! (I picked up his underwear and smelled it to see if it should go in the hamper.)
Writer (Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Lady Dynamite, The Good Place.) Love having sex with my dog.
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