Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.

"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates

"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.

I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.

"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.

What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?

You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.

No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.

A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.

CONFESSION: I've never actually read any of my friends' scripts. Always just give the same note: "Very cool, very 'Garden State.'"

My boyfriend and I just got to 24th base! (I picked his underwear up and smelled it to see if it should go in the hamper.)

How depressed are you, on a scale of 1 to going bowling alone?

FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"

Worst "Choose Your Own Adventure" ever. http://t.co/AgSVQgjK

Show your doctor who's boss by taking one look at their diplomas, saying, "Cool Harvard poster," and rolling your eyes.

My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.

What's a good book I should leave on my nightstand for 3 years?

Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.

"You've gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" is definitely the nicest, most whimsical endorsement of being a slut.