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My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
Should I go on the Paleo diet or annoy my friends some other way?
Goddamn it feels so fucking good to be part of America's largest 4G network.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
"Ebola 200!" - Italian guy saying his friend bowled a 200.
Writer (Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.) Lead singer (Train.)