Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
Should I go on the Paleo diet or annoy my friends some other way?
Goddamn it feels so fucking good to be part of America's largest 4G network.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
"Ebola 200!" - Italian guy saying his friend bowled a 200.
Writer (Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.) Lead singer (Train.)