Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
CONFESSION: I've never actually read any of my friends' scripts. Always just give the same note: "Very cool, very 'Garden State.'"
My boyfriend and I just got to 24th base! (I picked his underwear up and smelled it to see if it should go in the hamper.)
How depressed are you, on a scale of 1 to going bowling alone?
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Show your doctor who's boss by taking one look at their diplomas, saying, "Cool Harvard poster," and rolling your eyes.
My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.
What's a good book I should leave on my nightstand for 3 years?
Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.
"You've gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" is definitely the nicest, most whimsical endorsement of being a slut.
Writer (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Onion, McSweeney's.) Lead singer (Train.)