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Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
I'm worried people are letting Donald Trump get away with saying all these insane things just because he's so fucking hot.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
Congrats to Peyton Manning, a man who once put his genitals on the face of a female trainer as a fun goof! #SB50 http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/01/peyton-s-manning-s-forgotten-sex-scandal.html …
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Should I go on the Paleo diet or annoy my friends some other way?
Goddamn it feels so fucking good to be part of America's largest 4G network.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
Writer for Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, & Lady Dynamite (Netflix 2016). Comedy's bad girl.
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