An app that emails you every 20 minutes to say "YES, YOU REMEMBERED TO LOCK THE CAR."

This is the best sign I've ever seen. Hands down. pic.twitter.com/VqUdjldduX

Not sure if someone saying "I saw the fat version of you" is a compliment, but l'll take it.

Went to the gym three times this week, so plan on hearing about it.

“you get a fav! And you get a fav! YOU’RE ALL GETTING FAVS!” - Oprah reading tweets

This cat is never getting its period again. #JustSpayin

“I cant make it to your thing. Ive got this Arrested Development article due Monday.” - the whole United States?

hey everyone, i do finally have some updates about the tape. will announce later today. ***LOST MASKING TAPE***:  https://twitter.com/meganamram/status/336943707674791937 …

Before I go to bed, the following username is available: @huffposttoilet. Anyway, goodnight.

By a round of silence, who here wants to see some live tweeting of the 1982 classic "An Officer and a Gentle Man?"

um @ilazer and @abbijacobson "Broad City" is fucking hilarious. How have I been living my life without it this long?  http://www.youtube.com/user/BroadCity 

I hate ambiguity on Instagram. It's like, "Are you super rich and cool and popular or aren't you?!"

I want to see a movie where a girl turns into a vampire to be w/ her vampire boyfriend, then immediately realizes she's not that into him.

I don't know, Facebook. Asking, "What is your relationship status?" like that makes you seem kind of autistic.

Either I'm bad at completing my thoughts

Thinking about making a Slim Sadie music video. #awkward #slimsadie

AMBER ALERT: OLIVES CAN BE FILLING IF YOU EAT ENOUGH OF THEM

The scariest part of living alone is when I become convinced I could pull off a Daisy Buchanan hairstyle and no one is here to dissuade me.

Peter Dinklage is such a good actor, he's probably not even short.

I just bought all of Robin Thicke's albums on iTunes cuz I'm certain he's got a big dick and you know what good for him.