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Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
Should I go on the Paleo diet or annoy my friends some other way?
Writer (Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.) Lead singer (Train.)
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