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My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
Congrats to Peyton Manning, a man who once put his genitals on the face of a female trainer as a fun goof! #SB50 http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/01/peyton-s-manning-s-forgotten-sex-scandal.html …
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
Writer for Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, & Lady Dynamite (Netflix 2016). Comedy's bad girl.
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