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Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
I'm worried people are letting Donald Trump get away with saying all these insane things just because he's so fucking hot.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
Congrats to Peyton Manning, a man who once put his genitals on the face of a female trainer as a fun goof! #SB50 http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/01/peyton-s-manning-s-forgotten-sex-scandal.html …
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
If I ever find myself wearing a bathing suit with high heels I will know I made some serious wrong turns in my life.
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I may not photograph well, but IN PERSON I also look like something is off!!!
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
Writer for Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, & Lady Dynamite (Netflix 2016). Comedy's bad girl.
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