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Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
A good tweet is like a fine wine: who gives a shit.
CONFESSION: I've never actually read any of my friends' scripts. Always just give the same note: "Very cool, very 'Garden State.'"
Writer (Parks and Recreation, HBO's Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, The Onion.) Lead singer (Train.)