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Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
It's every dyslexic man's dream to meet a nice girl named Hannah.
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
My favorite way to get ready for a party is to take a shower, climb into bed, and then not go to that party.
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Terrible doctor.
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
Think my friend might have a coke problem. He kept going to the bathroom during lunch & every time he came back he did a line off the table.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
I see London, I see France, ok this train is going WAY too fast holyshit is that Madrid?!
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
Should I go on the Paleo diet or annoy my friends some other way?
Been waiting in this bathroom for an hour and an employee has yet to come wash my hands.
Writer (Parks and Recreation, Broad City, Hello Ladies, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.) Lead singer (Train.)