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Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
"One last thing: Lorraine, may I take a photo of you for my binder?" #debates
"Don't be that guy." - Anti-identify theft slogan.
"Is this seat Taken?" - Guy who confuses Liam Neeson movies with a chair.
I've never written a first draft of something that didn't make me think anyone who read it would immediately cut ties with me as a person.
You can probably cool it with the piggy back rides, couples in photos that come with picture frames.
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
The porn industry perpetuates such a negative portrayal of women -- always ordering all that pizza!
Today is a great day to find a baby inside a cake, then tomorrow goes back to being a terrible day to find a baby inside a cake.
CONFESSION: I've never actually read any of my friends' scripts. Always just give the same note: "Very cool, very 'Garden State.'"
How depressed are you, on a scale of 1 to going bowling alone?
Ann Romney is gonna be RELENTLESS with the help tomorrow about which throw pillows go where.
"You've gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" is definitely the nicest, most whimsical endorsement of being a slut.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
My boyfriend and I just got to 24th base! (I picked his underwear up and smelled it to see if it should go in the hamper.)
Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.
Writer (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Onion, McSweeney's.) Lead singer (Train.)