@meganamram thought i found your masking tape on Melrose but it was just a really ugly bangle bracelet. sorry!!!!!

If your tweet is at 49 stars, I'll fav it -- even if I don't like it. Just the kinda person I am, I can't help it. #blessed

I'm the Michael Jordan of identity theft. Wait, I mean -- I'm Michael Jordan.

At dinner I asked, "how many people do you think will die in this city tonight?" Am I doing Vegas right?

Las Vegas seems like a nice place to settle down and end a family.

Wow. This @amyschumer sketch is so, so funny.  http://tinyurl.com/bzd78gm  cc: @jessirklein

So weird how sex dolls are always getting caught mid-Macaulay Culkin impression.

It's crazy that some people who have written for like, 1 TV show have a Wikipedia page, yet I've murdered thousands and don't have one.

What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?

@imaliwaller "biotch"

DIET TIP: Don't live to tweet; tweet to live. (This is nothing.)

In LA & the two people next to me at dinner are talking about their jobs & neither of them are in the entertainment industry. So ... spies?

Happy Saddest Day At The Abortion Clinic!

I just found out that Shonda Rhimes wrote the Britney Spears movie Crossroads, if you want to know what I'll be talking about FOREVER.

Wow -- CBS just picked up tonight's sunset in LA for 22 episodes!

@albz ummm if you have something to say, say it to my face

No one ever says, "I wish I had worked more" while they're on their death bed. Probz cause the slow decay of death renders you speechless!

@thejoshpatten is this the best joke ever written? maybe.

Never gone skydiving but I assume it gives you the same kinda rush as initiating Gchat conversation with a new friend.

Not saying this bottle of wine I bought is cheap but it's a 2015??