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I'm the Michael Jordan of identity theft. Wait, I mean -- I'm Michael Jordan.
At dinner I asked, "how many people do you think will die in this city tonight?" Am I doing Vegas right?
Las Vegas seems like a nice place to settle down and end a family.
So weird how sex dolls are always getting caught mid-Macaulay Culkin impression.
It's crazy that some people who have written for like, 1 TV show have a Wikipedia page, yet I've murdered thousands and don't have one.
What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?
DIET TIP: Don't live to tweet; tweet to live. (This is nothing.)
In LA & the two people next to me at dinner are talking about their jobs & neither of them are in the entertainment industry. So ... spies?
Happy Saddest Day At The Abortion Clinic!
I just found out that Shonda Rhimes wrote the Britney Spears movie Crossroads, if you want to know what I'll be talking about FOREVER.
Wow -- CBS just picked up tonight's sunset in LA for 22 episodes!
No one ever says, "I wish I had worked more" while they're on their death bed. Probz cause the slow decay of death renders you speechless!
Never gone skydiving but I assume it gives you the same kinda rush as initiating Gchat conversation with a new friend.
Not saying this bottle of wine I bought is cheap but it's a 2015??
Writer (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Onion, McSweeney's.) Lead singer (Train.)