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Gf told me to kill a spider in the bedroom, couldnt find it and lied that i killed it. Have to get her mad so i can sleep on the couch now.
Almost done with this "sorry I ruined moms vagina" fathers day card, just need more raw macaroni and glitter.
I want an angry samuel jackson to read my eulogy.
I do my best IM ON FIRE impression whenever I walk through a spider web.
Even if I had a real gun I would still make pew noises.
I bet it's magical the moment 2 girls play rock, paper, scissors and they both pick scissors.
Never get into a fight with someone who has a uni brow, if they dont care to pluck that caterpillar, they dont give a fuck about anything.
I dont see what the big deal is using a public restroom, i found a dime on the floor!
If you turn down your rap music at red lights you aint gansta. My Vanilla Ice makes everybody stop, collaborate, and listen.
My spanish sucks when im drunk, my korean friend understands everything im saying though, or is he mexican?
Gf got cereal and cut up strawberries but there's no milk. I yelled, NOW YA KNOW HOW I FEEL WHEN YA SAY NO TO ANAL, then drove to the store.
If ya watch an infomercial muted you can lip read them saying "god this thing is bullshit, hope they buy into it so I can buy more cocaine".
Maybe I'm sending the wrong message with this welcome mat outside my door.
Girlfriend thinks "fresh clean mouth" after brushing her teeth, i think "fresh canvas".....then i brush my teeth with my scooby toothbrush.
I always take, "can you get anymore fucking stupid" as a challenge.
Periods attract bears which is why we can't go to the circus!-me masking my fear of clowns to girlfriend so that we don't go to the circus.
People who tell me their problems when their drunk obviously forget that they know im an asshole when they are sober.
I panic and say "bless you" whenever a girl queefs.
If alcohol didnt make me so cool when drunk then why do i dance so smooth whe....oops, just crashed into. i mean just danced into a table.
I'm pretty fucking high right now. Just made a sandwich for me and my Teddy buttons. Once he falls asleep I'm gobbling that shit up.
i have an ocd of breathing, will eventually overcome it, i just know it.