Online job boards must be confusing for those seeking employment as an actual ninja or rockstar.

Saw my first vegan cupcake in the wild tonight. Apparently they substitute eggs with sad.

Watching 'Rattle and Hum,' the documentary that chronicles the start of Bono's 25 year slide from rock star to Robin Williams impersonator.

Jazz. Now there's some bullshit.

8:28 am, BART: Everyone is drunk.

Videos shot in portrait just got 18% more annoying.

Feeling like this is the last day I'll be able to wear a sweater to the office. I know, I know, I'm devastated too.

I think I swallowed my fitbit

At Ikea. The scent in the air is one of cinnamon mixed with sawdust and regret.

"Said no one ever," said everyone ever.

STOP LOOKING AT ME, WIKIPEDIA AUTHOR!

It's not that "I'm not a morning person" so much as "in the morning I'm not a person."

Fuck it, keeping the tree up until March.

People used to be all "Oh my god you guys balsamic vinegar!" I miss that enthusiasm.

Finding out that some of you actually do it "sock, shoe, sock, shoe" and I really don't know how l process that right now.

Missed Connection @ The Folsom Street Fair. Me: Lucha Libre mask w/ matching t-shirt. You: bearded bear with cameraphone. We had a "moment."

I wasn't wearing a hat earlier. This has been rectified.

"So sad. He lost his entire family in a freak 'Find and Replace All' accident."

Due To Multiple Failed Login Attempts Your Account Access Has Been Suspended, Charlie Brown

#RejectedPeanutsSpecials

Thanks @apelad!  http://instagram.com/p/ZEslSUtfBQ/