I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.

I wish I had three hands so that I could flip people off inside of air quotes.

Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes.

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm just asking it the wrong questions.

The Rock knew his wrestling career was over when he looked across the ring and saw his opponent... THE PAPER.

Sex is for boring people who have no interest in Star Wars action figures.

I do not like Black Peas that jam. I do not like them, Will I Am.

America's Got Talent. Canada's Got Health Care.

Mock me now, but when I'm famous you'll all be eating Pez out of my head.

If you put vodka in a Shirley Temple, that's called a Lindsay Lohan.

In space, no one can hear you scream. On Earth, no one listens.

Yes, I read Quantum Physics. But only for the particles.

Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

Eventually Adobe is going to release a software application that does nothing but update itself.

Sleep is for people without Internet access.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

I keep forgetting - which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, & a unicorn that can drive a hovercraft.

Do celebrities think when they discover Twitter that we've all been sitting here hoping they'd show up and read us a box of Hallmark cards?

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only Never mind. Batman's here.