NBC's 'Whitney' has been renewed for a second season. On a brighter note, I'm HIV positive.

Can't tell if the guys next door are winning at beer pong or losing at life.

Cats are the new dogs, dogs are the new children, and children are the new bed bugs.

A lot of people don't know what Summer's Eve products are. To clarify, they should put a picture of Adam Levine on the box.

My fam hasn't funded my kickstarter yet. They're probably just with their accountant converting how much they love me into a dollar amount.

I take great comfort in the fact that, no matter how old I get, Zooey Deschanel will always be older than me.

Becoming single in your 20's means more time to party. Becoming single in your 30's means more time to trim your cat's nails.

A good indication of when the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over is when you start tweeting again.

I follow back on the first date.

Cosmo Magazine should be called "How to Trick Him into Never Leaving You by Manipulating Him with Sex."

"RIP Donna Summer." -everyone on facebook, after googling, "who is donna summer?"

Every time I look down at my wrists, I'm humiliated and ashamed by my past behavior. I used to write inspirational quotes on them.

RIP Chris Brown is trending on twitter. Looks like everyone's been reading, "The Secret." #RIPchrisbrown

Ice skating is only a romantic date if you're both kinda bad at it.

Ashton Kutcher is set to play Steve Jobs in his biopic. Guys, let this be a lesson to all of us to be more specific when writing our wills.

Judging by my gmail drafts, I drink a lot. And often.

I finally found out what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that her underwear falls apart after one wash.

Gmail is down. Does anyone have a flashlight I could borrow or fresh drinking water?

Responses to people asking, "Did you hear that Time Burton has a new movie coming out?": "OOH!" -1992; "ooh" -2002; "oh" -2012

Favoriting someone's tweet, when you're not following them, is like blowing them from a glory hole.