I think I'm getting better at analogies, like a horse who's getting better at analogies.

I didn't know it was dangerous to leave spilled vitamins behind the stove and now 6 mice are in my kitchen doing pushups & comparing boners.

My favorite thing to do before a first date is drive 125 miles an hour to another city and start a different life.

If I could go more than 3 seconds without thinking about food I bet my life would really ice cream.

The best way to end a bad date is to crash your car and launch yourself through the windshield into a cooler car where your mom's waiting.

Pointed to my crotch and said to a TSA agent, "Uh-oh, packed my sex gun!" We laughed and unfortunately a real gun did fall out of my butt.

I was teased for having a girl's name, so I'll do my son a favor and give him a solid male name like Brad, Clunch, or Urinal Beefpenis.

Better call the Food Police cuz I'm about to MURDER this pizza! Haha! *pizza gets into tiny car, starts engine, explodes, pizza wife sobs*

The first rule of Fight Club is stop quoting movies, you 5-alarm virgin.

One sign that you're eating too much protein is that your farts are wearing sleeveless shirts.

If you hate when I wrap my arms and legs around your tummy and yell "Fannypack bros!" then why did we name our gang the Fannypack Bros?

The true test of a rapper is how many women's names you can rhyme. Here, I'll try: Nikki, Vicky, David, SHIT! Jennifer, Barry, table, FUCK!!

If a burly dude chops wood in front of your lady to impress her, your best move is to quickly reassemble the wood back into a goddamn tree.

If a pretty woman gets on the stationary bike next to mine at the gym, I very calmly pedal downstairs and out into the street.

I remember marching in a parade as a boy and eagerly waving to the crowd, and they remember me as the kid who walked into a horse's asshole.

Anytime I sense danger, I dramatically turn and walk away in slow motion and that is why I've been badly injured in 34 terrible explosions.

Girl, are your feet tired? 'Cuz you've been running from gigantic boner-squids in my weird sex maze all day - #1 Japanese pickup line

As a tall person I'm afraid of low doorways. As a crazy person I'm afraid of trucks blowing my clothes off and geese flying up my nude butt.

Ask a guy to spot you at the gym and then say, "Bro, let's shout cat names between reps. GO! Napkins! Meatball! Sneezes! Prince Catspian!"

I don't think I will ever forget my ex-girlfriend Julie because she married my dad and I live with them.