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I didn't know it was dangerous to leave spilled vitamins behind the stove and now 6 mice are in my kitchen doing pushups & comparing boners.
My favorite thing to do before a first date is drive 125 miles an hour to another city and start a different life.
If a pretty woman gets on the stationary bike next to mine at the gym, I very calmly pedal downstairs and out into the street.
If I could go more than 3 seconds without thinking about food I bet my life would really ice cream.
I grew up on a farm so a big role-play fantasy of mine is you're a sexy country girl and I'm a guy whose penis wasn't crushed by a pumpkin.
My ex did a sexy bathing dance under a waterfall on vacation one year ago today. RIP Kimberly, I hope there are no waterfalls in heaven.
Pointed to my crotch and said to a TSA agent, "Uh-oh, packed my sex gun!" We laughed and unfortunately a real gun did fall out of my butt.
The best way to end a bad date is to crash your car and launch yourself through the windshield into a cooler car where your mom's waiting.
The first rule of Fight Club is stop quoting movies, you 5-alarm virgin.
The true test of a rapper is how many women's names you can rhyme. Here, I'll try: Nikki, Vicky, David, SHIT! Jennifer, Barry, table, FUCK!!
Better call the Food Police cuz I'm about to MURDER this pizza! Haha! *pizza gets into tiny car, starts engine, explodes, pizza wife sobs*
I was teased for having a girl's name, so I'll do my son a favor and give him a solid male name like Brad, Clunch, or Urinal Beefpenis.
If you hate when I wrap my arms and legs around your tummy and yell "Fannypack bros!" then why did we name our gang the Fannypack Bros?
One sign that you're eating too much protein is that your farts are wearing sleeveless shirts.
I liked Twizzlers but my brother liked Red Vines, so my dad had to take me to Walgreens and my brother to the Orphanage for Idiot Dickheads.
I remember marching in a parade as a boy and eagerly waving to the crowd, and they remember me as the kid who walked into a horse's asshole.
My grandpa's biggest fear was dying alone so I'm glad he was surrounded by grandchildren when that Nissan Cube crashed into his living room.
If a burly dude chops wood in front of your lady to impress her, your best move is to quickly reassemble the wood back into a goddamn tree.
Anytime I sense danger, I dramatically turn and walk away in slow motion and that is why I've been badly injured in 34 terrible explosions.
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