• Hola!

    Please Sign In

    Favstar gets even better if you sign in.

    Here's why signing in is good for you.

    • You get a personalized view of Favstar based on the people you follow.
    • Your likes and retweets are collected instantly, meaning your status and stats get updated at blazing speeds.
    • Use lists to manage your friends, and keep on top of where the fav-love is happening.

    Your account is safe, of course!

    • We never see your twitter password.
    • We won't tweet or follow anyone without your permission.
    • We only use your API calls when you like, retweet, or follow someone.
Okay, you have been unsubscribed.
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Gift @jessefederman Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 488
    • LIKES
    apmanley__Frankie_McGeeblearyboytrefmananrobinrgfSonOfEmersonaliimpala
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    apmanley__JustinGideon_StillJustaKidhowtaobrowncowTrevorTweetinMekirstendleburythisistopherblakethinks
    Cameron_Slade
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I didn't know it was dangerous to leave spilled vitamins behind the stove and now 6 mice are in my kitchen doing pushups & comparing boners.

    • 349
    • LIKES
    bertboxingFrankie_McGeedukelongboardsirjohnmillerOGCoreyTheNewsAtGlennEricaTheThorjakeloganhobey
    • 172
    • RETWEETS
    maxpe_PrinceGreenJrchrisjoonioratbrielle__babylopa__________alexachulaChubMunk__owldara112
    JayUhOhTomHanksIsHotinmynewskin
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    My favorite thing to do before a first date is drive 125 miles an hour to another city and start a different life.

    • 369
    • LIKES
    GeauxSaints79danjan13DrLickensteinOdderDodder1nickdubleu__SeanPersaudMDFrankie_McGeekingconlives
    • 146
    • RETWEETS
    GeauxSaints79twinpythonsnickdubleu__thisisashleybJessieRaeBotShawPrestonMarkBankin___ChiFlo
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If a pretty woman gets on the stationary bike next to mine at the gym, I very calmly pedal downstairs and out into the street.

    • 348
    • LIKES
    TheMongoose69__jaynecomplainsAdar79Angieunafraidleroybubbeatrizlongwall26NicciSaintBrucekylieheartsyou
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    BetterOffMaloneLiterotica_comJohnnyCrash5jaynecomplainshiriukuwalshrightwithasilentMBroadSideways
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If I could go more than 3 seconds without thinking about food I bet my life would really ice cream.

    • 265
    • LIKES
    Pounce_de_LioneurosatteFrankie_McGeedukelongboardafardistanthowl_Averill_________Shahty_13Christin_Tee
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    _Averill_________NG5_aaaaaartijustabituniquetyturkfulaycaysayFlavstersemily71497
    Cameron_SladeThe_Opposed__
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I grew up on a farm so a big role-play fantasy of mine is you're a sexy country girl and I'm a guy whose penis wasn't crushed by a pumpkin.

    • 325
    • LIKES
    bertboxingplantandmineral__buttplayennuishruglordYouCallHimDaverfightforfoodtheycallmejwow__PresumingErik
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    RoryMaybescottwardaddhot_coughy________neil_haltomboy_dallinjoelbubnaYoshuaDavisNataKerm
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    My ex did a sexy bathing dance under a waterfall on vacation one year ago today. RIP Kimberly, I hope there are no waterfalls in heaven.

    • 272
    • LIKES
    chloeevansjHollyMemphisThecodfather209alousyknaveorangeuptopethanisafungiEAGLERAY6WURTZt_tweetz
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    HollyMemphisJosephDuhotThecodfather209siouxfan1412PeterSosulskiKarseltHuevosEnSerioMelanieArgh
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Pointed to my crotch and said to a TSA agent, "Uh-oh, packed my sex gun!" We laughed and unfortunately a real gun did fall out of my butt.

    • 229
    • LIKES
    jessetcallmatt_thedtweetingdouchepunmagnatepassivefrenzytwinpythonsnopenopelmaoFrankie_McGee
    • 111
    • RETWEETS
    VM_VanderhugeRoryMaybetwinpythonsirrevilentwinnersusedrugsonefortywisdomMarkBankin__NG5_
    ChaseMit
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    The best way to end a bad date is to crash your car and launch yourself through the windshield into a cooler car where your mom's waiting.

    • 254
    • LIKES
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeeCentralBalanceDionPloegChloeKusketri666pyevilbastard707Supafunkadunka
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeebenittto3Favstar250tyturkfulthe_brian_showSadPerunaemmybeccawoonie
    adamallday
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    The first rule of Fight Club is stop quoting movies, you 5-alarm virgin.

    • 244
    • LIKES
    WheelTodnotoriousPOBMissRFTCFrankie_McGeeMorganLleighaelhammer23smeagolsfreemyname_isdoug
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    MakeMeTheMusicsprackelevavonstreusel_Averill_________EmilyLangonCrappy_Face_Picfergursonnrjeh3_ChiFlo
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    The true test of a rapper is how many women's names you can rhyme. Here, I'll try: Nikki, Vicky, David, SHIT! Jennifer, Barry, table, FUCK!!

    • 244
    • LIKES
    bertboxingTimKaniaFrankie_McGeeSNAKEPlSSHannahHillamMaddieMJFpaulshkdramastic
    • 78
    • RETWEETS
    mr_tucker_saysmuddymudskipperburnettski92fcukthisguylanyardiganglasmannf2pxkidphonic
    Cameron_SladeColorMeScradd
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Better call the Food Police cuz I'm about to MURDER this pizza! Haha! *pizza gets into tiny car, starts engine, explodes, pizza wife sobs*

    • 226
    • LIKES
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeeelhammer23stockton_guymattstintontwntysvnDowrowJaredMcAboy
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    mattmorainBriidashianelhammer23stockton_guyjokerdalton44DowrowJaredMcAboyMonica_Lover_69
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I was teased for having a girl's name, so I'll do my son a favor and give him a solid male name like Brad, Clunch, or Urinal Beefpenis.

    • 217
    • LIKES
    bertboxingFrankie_McGeedukelongboardOGCoreyfascillaaeon_daimyotigersgoroooartrinss
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    DavidRayButlerJohnklugjrversacejumpsuitchrisjooniorclindsayswayohhsofabuloussalleyfitzsteveng272010
    mzeld
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If you hate when I wrap my arms and legs around your tummy and yell "Fannypack bros!" then why did we name our gang the Fannypack Bros?

    • 210
    • LIKES
    PresumingErikriboflavinLLCkingconlivesFrankie_McGeeelhammer23alexsleepwalkssmeagolsfreegetthehumans
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    PresumingErikriboflavinLLCpissedhippieFrankie_McGee_Averill_________MorganRDillonWesMeertenseskmsigloo
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    One sign that you're eating too much protein is that your farts are wearing sleeveless shirts.

    • 204
    • LIKES
    Frankie_McGeemeyerafardistanthowlelixaNG5_hugeLEGSatbrielle__tigersgoroooar
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    Frankie_McGeeJessieRaeBotmichellelilooAnitaAlibiLeezy8MJoeDubyajodiKr11ambejos__
    Molly_Kats
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I liked Twizzlers but my brother liked Red Vines, so my dad had to take me to Walgreens and my brother to the Orphanage for Idiot Dickheads.

    • 214
    • LIKES
    Frankie_McGeeKennysDead__BigJay_95solipsistcreepkingconlivesJakeBluntunanythingMrBrokeIt
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    KennysDead__solipsistcreepCrushb0nec_lokesdsimmons1228el4zanoAlgaeSeamegan__coe
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I remember marching in a parade as a boy and eagerly waving to the crowd, and they remember me as the kid who walked into a horse's asshole.

    • 203
    • LIKES
    bertboxingTimKaniaFrankie_McGeeYtnr27AlwaysWinning1ripptuffmeyerBurger_Time_
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    rhysizmidontlikethingsrungyBig_Jake1CokeyBlaylock__hawaiinsparklesricbuddyMrDerekKing
    ColorMeScradd
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    My grandpa's biggest fear was dying alone so I'm glad he was surrounded by grandchildren when that Nissan Cube crashed into his living room.

    • 206
    • LIKES
    rudetanksSirTrixxjessadiebelthitchnerBoosieFreedwestiswhereFrankie_McGeeLostCatDog
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    RoryMaybePlagueLoverselhammer23Andre_3004powerfulshampoomikewhereamIdoginsuit________Macar00ny__
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If a burly dude chops wood in front of your lady to impress her, your best move is to quickly reassemble the wood back into a goddamn tree.

    • 199
    • LIKES
    Frankie_McGeeJhonRulesafardistanthowlJayS2SDrangulaJustinFuranoMarkBankin__captainmjim__
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    Frankie_McGeekimburkeNG5_MovingMountans__Dithguy__________nicolemsoineMissBayCmuffinlab
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Anytime I sense danger, I dramatically turn and walk away in slow motion and that is why I've been badly injured in 34 terrible explosions.

    • 178
    • LIKES
    Frankie_McGeeJessieRaeBotTheNewsAtGlennaeon_daimyoCrappy_Face_PicshipwrektspacejammiesBuyani_N
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    huntigulathehaircantweet__irememberfallinmontanamooney__Margerine89KirstieAnnnemadjiggyTheLostJ
@jessefederman

@jessefederman

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0641944/

Gift 128x128

Like @jessefederman’s tweets? Send them a Favstar Pro Membership to show you care.

Gift them Pro!