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  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I think I'm getting better at analogies, like a horse who's getting better at analogies.

    • 488
    • FAVS
    apmanleyFrankie_McGeeblearyboytrefmananrobinrgfGEvolvingaliimpala
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    apmanleyJustinGideon_StillJustaKidhowtaobrowncowTrevorTweetinMekirstendleburythisistopherblakethinks
    Cameron_Slade
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I didn't know it was dangerous to leave spilled vitamins behind the stove and now 6 mice are in my kitchen doing pushups & comparing boners.

    • 348
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeedukelongboardsirjohnmillerOGCoreyTheNewsAtGlennEricaTheThorflakeyjakey0odracjr
    • 172
    • RETWEETS
    maxpe_PrinceGreenJrchrisjoonioratbriellebabylopa__________alexachulaChubMunkowldara112
    JayUhOhTomHanksIsHotinmynewskin
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    My favorite thing to do before a first date is drive 125 miles an hour to another city and start a different life.

    • 365
    • FAVS
    nickdubleuSeanPersaudMDFrankie_McGeekingconlivesAlgaeSeasmeagolsfreelifenowherelanyardigan
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    nickdubleuthisisashleybJessieRaeBotShawPrestonMarkBankin_ChiFlotimkostaSageKnox
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If I could go more than 3 seconds without thinking about food I bet my life would really ice cream.

    • 263
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeedukelongboardafardistanthowl_Averill_________dhruvii_13Christin_Teeqbthatsmeemilybwebster
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    _Averill_________NG5_aaaaaartijustabituniquetyturkfulCaseyWard93Flavstersemily71497
    Cameron_SladeThe_Opposed__
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I grew up on a farm so a big role-play fantasy of mine is you're a sexy country girl and I'm a guy whose penis wasn't crushed by a pumpkin.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    BackpackerBooieDarnKidcogentanalysisShanehasabeardwarmyellowlightShirleyEweLHGarrettTingyS
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    hot_coughy________neil_haltomboy_dallinjoelbubnaYoshuaDavisNataKermSkyeO01annanimate
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Pointed to my crotch and said to a TSA agent, "Uh-oh, packed my sex gun!" We laughed and unfortunately a real gun did fall out of my butt.

    • 229
    • FAVS
    jessetcallmatt_thedtweetingdouchepunmagnatepassivefrenzySucculentPizzapwnpartyFrankie_McGee
    • 109
    • RETWEETS
    SucculentPizzairrevilentwinnersusedrugsonefortywisdomMarkBankinNG5_tayandmaeSuperBadBuddha
    ChaseMit
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    The best way to end a bad date is to crash your car and launch yourself through the windshield into a cooler car where your mom's waiting.

    • 254
    • FAVS
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeeCentralBalanceDionPloegChloeKustri666pyevilbastard707Supafunkadunka
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeebenittto3Favstar250tyturkfulthe_brian_showSadPerunaemmybeccawoonie
    adamallday
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    The first rule of Fight Club is stop quoting movies, you 5-alarm virgin.

    • 244
    • FAVS
    WheelTodnotoriousPOBMissRFTCFrankie_McGeeMorganLleighaelhammer23smeagolsfreemyname_isdoug
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    MakeMeTheMusicsprackelevavonstreusel_Averill_________EmilyLangonCrappy_Face_Picfergursonnrjeh3_ChiFlo
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    The true test of a rapper is how many women's names you can rhyme. Here, I'll try: Nikki, Vicky, David, SHIT! Jennifer, Barry, table, FUCK!!

    • 243
    • FAVS
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeesnakep1ssHannahHillamMaddieMJFpaulshkdramasticyeyehannah
    • 78
    • RETWEETS
    mr_tucker_saysmuddymudskipperburnettski92fcukthisguylanyardiganglasmannf2pxkidphonic
    Cameron_SladeColorMeScradd
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Better call the Food Police cuz I'm about to MURDER this pizza! Haha! *pizza gets into tiny car, starts engine, explodes, pizza wife sobs*

    • 226
    • FAVS
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeeelhammer23stockton_guymattstintontwntysvnDowrowJaredMcAboy
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    morainiumTHEbrigibbonselhammer23stockton_guyjokerdalton44DowrowJaredMcAboyMonica_Lover_69
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I was teased for having a girl's name, so I'll do my son a favor and give him a solid male name like Brad, Clunch, or Urinal Beefpenis.

    • 216
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeedukelongboardOGCoreyfascillaaeon_daimyotigersgoroooartrinsschrisjoonior
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    DavidRayButlerJohnklugjrdonutdickchrisjooniorclindsayswayohhsofabuloussalleyfitzsteveng272010
    mzeld
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If you hate when I wrap my arms and legs around your tummy and yell "Fannypack bros!" then why did we name our gang the Fannypack Bros?

    • 208
    • FAVS
    kingconlivesFrankie_McGeeelhammer23alex_samuel_smeagolsfreegetthehumansdandruffcole_Averill_________
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    pissedhippieFrankie_McGee_Averill_________MorganRDillonWesMeertenseskmsiglooCamilleismPeeJayKII
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    One sign that you're eating too much protein is that your farts are wearing sleeveless shirts.

    • 204
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeemeyerafardistanthowlelixaNG5_pantsweareratbrielletigersgoroooar
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    Frankie_McGeeJessieRaeBotmichellelilooAnitaAlibiLeezy8MJoeDubyajodiKr11AMBEJ0
    Molly_Kats
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I liked Twizzlers but my brother liked Red Vines, so my dad had to take me to Walgreens and my brother to the Orphanage for Idiot Dickheads.

    • 214
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeeKennysDead__BigJay_95solipsistcreepkingconlivesJakeBluntunanythingMrBrokeIt
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    KennysDead__solipsistcreepCrushb0nec_lokesdsimmons1228el4zanoAlgaeSeambcoe27
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    I remember marching in a parade as a boy and eagerly waving to the crowd, and they remember me as the kid who walked into a horse's asshole.

    • 202
    • FAVS
    TimKaniaFrankie_McGeeYtnr27AlwaysWinning1ripptuffmeyerBurger_Time_hellabees__
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    rhysizmidontlikethingsrungyBig_Jake1diarrhea__hawaiinsparklesricbuddyMrDerekKing
    ColorMeScradd
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    My grandpa's biggest fear was dying alone so I'm glad he was surrounded by grandchildren when that Nissan Cube crashed into his living room.

    • 206
    • FAVS
    SirTrixxjessadiebelthitchnerBoosieFreedwestiswhereFrankie_McGeeLostCatDogKennysDead__
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    PlagueLoverselhammer23Andre_3004powerfulshampoomikewhereamIdoginsuit________Macar00nyMikeMcCabeSad
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If a burly dude chops wood in front of your lady to impress her, your best move is to quickly reassemble the wood back into a goddamn tree.

    • 199
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeeJhonRulesafardistanthowlJayS2SDrangulaJustinFuranoMarkBankinnvrhaveieverrrr
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    Frankie_McGeekimburkeNG5_MovingMountans__Dithguy__________nicolemsoineMissBayCmuffinlab
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    If a pretty woman gets on the stationary bike next to mine at the gym, I very calmly pedal downstairs and out into the street.

    • 203
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeedukelongboardBurger_Time_jenrushtonHamburgler08googleymoogleyfanofhellwinnersusedrugs
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    Frankie_McGeesetshot8Big_Jake1SlickestOfRicksMelGledObligatoryFuckGerard_LangeExoticDaaze
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Anytime I sense danger, I dramatically turn and walk away in slow motion and that is why I've been badly injured in 34 terrible explosions.

    • 178
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeeJessieRaeBotTheNewsAtGlennaeon_daimyoCrappy_Face_PicshipwrektspacejammiesBuyani_N
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    huntigulathehaircantweet__irememberfallinmontanamooneyMargerine89KirstieAnnnemadjiggyTheLostJ
  • jessefederman
      Jesse Federman @jessefederman

    Girl, are your feet tired? 'Cuz you've been running from gigantic boner-squids in my weird sex maze all day - #1 Japanese pickup line

    • 177
    • FAVS
    Frankie_McGeeItsMeRyanJonesmirymeds__________remy_rezzin______aeon_daimyobriolsonhot_coughy________DannyEspinoza
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    Catalieee_hot_coughy________isaaclubowcalasichjo_OliusKifKifBourricokevink87______StefanyWood
@jessefederman

@jessefederman

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0641944/