Look, it's not you, it's DiGiorno.

I really just want someone I can be anti-social with.

Thinking about getting my feelings surgically removed.

People are a thing you have to deal with sometimes.

Some guy I work with told me I shouldn't use the word "feminist" because it's too "aggressive" so I chopped off his dick.

If you love something let it go and spend the rest of your life comparing everything to how great that thing you let go was.

Saying you hate Jay Leno is like saying you hate people with autism, which is understandable.

"I'm over it." - people who are not over it.

If 14 year old me could see me now she'd be like, "oh, so you're still just on the Internet all the time?"

I don't like my taste in men.

Thanks for asking how I'm doing, I'm glad it inspired that long winded story about you.

My 4 year old dog has more life experience than I do.

Like The Hulk, I try to avoid being angry because I'm always naked afterward.

I'm a little worried that women aren't being encouraged to be sexy enough.

"I'm totally gonna watch this later!" should be TED's slogan.

I sexted once and then apologized for it.

I just found out I was wrong about something one time. I can't fucking believe it.

Being human is lame. Can't fuckin' fly or nothin'. Bullshit!

I do this retarded thing where I hang out with people because I like them, not because I think they're going to help me with my career.

I think being straight is a sin. We shouldn't have to live in a world where we're constantly at risk of creating even more shitty people.