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Your mama's so sensitive, it hurts her feelings when she types in a new password and the website tells her it's "weak"
The gov shutdown hits children, pregnant women and the elderly hardest, a trifecta known as the "republican bullseye"
If someone says "I have my health", a fun response is, "You don't know that for sure"
Xmas is like sex, the minute it's over, people are like, ahh, I gotta get out of here
A stranger burped in my ear and I wanted to tell him it wasn't ok and he should not do that again without sounding cunty, so I maced him
Decided to lose 25 lbs, Rewatched Silence of the Lambs & realized I'm just a size away from being big enough for a man to wear me as a shirt
Being in love means getting to watch someone in REM for a solid hour with no judgment
Leave Irene be. She's a tropical storm just tryin to do the best she can. She devastated my apartment anyway. So many windows to be untaped!
Summer dieting tip: "Wanna stay slender, ladies? Try eating only the sinewy souls of younger men."
Saw a giant thug on the subway playing a rainbow video game, it was cute til he lost, smashed the phone on the ground and shot it
I have no nut allergies unless you count nuts on my chin, totes allergic to that
Though I look forward to the future and its advancements, I hope no one ever invents a way to smell via skype
Writer, stand up, twisted minstrel, feral but kind.