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Guns don't kill people, the crushing weight of unfulfilled desires do
Crazy cat ladies aren't so bad, you should try hanging out with crazy spider ladies
Any time you feel like a "good person" or a "bad person", chew on this: Gandhi's wife died bc he wouldn't let her take penicillin
The cure for depression that Drs don't want you to know: Use a pizza slice as a hot dog bun
Your mama's so sensitive, it hurts her feelings when she types in a new password and the website tells her it's "weak"
You dim sum, you lose some
Comedy shows are more than just a chuckle fest, it's church for thinking people
If zombie-pocalypse happened, there's enough booze at my place to pretend everything's fine for a solid 2 months
This Olympics, we will see what country can build the most houses for the homeless! Oh sorry, that is, ski the fastest!
Ebola stays in semen for 3 months after a victim recovers which is not the only reason not to come on my face, but it is the best one
I learned today it's not appropriate to go to an estate sale just to try to find out "what happened"
Writer, comedian, twisted minstrel, sage witch, feral but kind. Shout out to my hometown homies in Damariscotta, Maine