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Guns don't kill people, the crushing weight of unfulfilled desires do
Your mama's so sensitive, it hurts her feelings when she types in a new password and the website tells her it's "weak"
You dim sum, you lose some
If zombie-pocalypse happened, there's enough booze at my place to pretend everything's fine for a solid 2 months
This Olympics, we will see what country can build the most houses for the homeless! Oh sorry, that is, ski the fastest!
The gov shutdown hits children, pregnant women and the elderly hardest, a trifecta known as the "republican bullseye"
Does anyone else's intelligence feel slightly insulted when a morbidly obese person tells you they're vegan?
Bring your kids to Chinatown on Easter; spend the day explaining why the Easter bunny is hanging by it's feet in a restaurant window
If someone says "I have my health", a fun response is, "You don't know that for sure"
Xmas is like sex, the minute it's over, people are like, ahh, I gotta get out of here
A stranger burped in my ear and I wanted to tell him it wasn't ok and he should not do that again without sounding cunty, so I maced him
Decided to lose 25 lbs, Rewatched Silence of the Lambs & realized I'm just a size away from being big enough for a man to wear me as a shirt
Being in love means getting to watch someone in REM for a solid hour with no judgment
I'm not exactly sure what a herpetologist is, but it sounds like maybe they should only date other herpetologists
Writer, stand up, twisted minstrel, sage witch, feral but kind.