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Your mama's so sensitive, it hurts her feelings when she types in a new password and the website tells her it's "weak"
You dim sum, you lose some
This Olympics, we will see what country can build the most houses for the homeless! Oh sorry, that is, ski the fastest!
The gov shutdown hits children, pregnant women and the elderly hardest, a trifecta known as the "republican bullseye"
If someone says "I have my health", a fun response is, "You don't know that for sure"
Xmas is like sex, the minute it's over, people are like, ahh, I gotta get out of here
A stranger burped in my ear and I wanted to tell him it wasn't ok and he should not do that again without sounding cunty, so I maced him
Decided to lose 25 lbs, Rewatched Silence of the Lambs & realized I'm just a size away from being big enough for a man to wear me as a shirt
Being in love means getting to watch someone in REM for a solid hour with no judgment
Leave Irene be. She's a tropical storm just tryin to do the best she can. She devastated my apartment anyway. So many windows to be untaped!
That awkward moment just after robbing a bank where you check in on Foursquare
Writer, stand up, twisted minstrel, sage witch, feral but kind.