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Think before you name children!! Crystal Beth? Really? Was Crack Bocaine already taken? Strippers pick classier names than that.
Look, I might not be that funny, but my retweets are hilarious.
Taking my kids paintballing so I can shoot them without going to jail
"I'll give that bitch a retweet; bitches LOVE retweets." --not enough people ever
I love babysitting your kid. It reminds me to call the pharmacy and refill my birth control prescription. I mean, she's so cute.
Some day, I won't have to say "righty tighty, lefty loosey" to turn off the water hose. Today's not that day.
Eating Oreos naked on the couch is only awkward if the owner of the house comes home before you leave.
My mom: do you Twitter? I'm a Twitterer now.
Me: no, never even heard of it.
I hate it when my boyfriend's all, "how did you get in here? Who are you? Help!"
You're one in a million. Just don't forget there's seven billion of us. So don't get cocky, jackass.
Would more of you follow if I was a hot chick instead of a donkey? I could Google up a really great... I mean, uh, take a photo of myself
How will we name this country?
Uh, let's use a C, eh?
And then an N, eh?
End with a D, eh?
A woman at this Walmart just called her husband Broccoli Penis. I'll be at home, bleaching my imagination.
I don't follow so you'll follow me. I'm more selfish than that. I follow so you'll make me laugh and so I'll feel less alone in the world.
Saving my OBGYN in my phone as "Cooter Doctor" was a lot funnier before my grandmother brought me the ringing iPhone with questioning eyes.
Never call a woman a b-word that isn't beautiful.
Bitches LOVE being called beautiful.
Damn you, Netflix. I had stuff to do.
"Sorry, kids, the test is canceled; I got distracted on Twitter," sounds just like the end of my teaching career. Weird coincidence, surely?
Snuggle me. That's all I want. And bring me apple juice. And another blankie. And my socks. And rub my back.
Wait? You're not DMing me dick pics so my friends and I can laugh? Oh. Sorry, I guess.
Raised by lesbians and a redneck. No, seriously. @Fav_Asshole has my avi tattooed on his hand. @joeyhuggles is my love.