I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love"

..and on the back it says, "But I Won't do That."

The first fuck is always an audition.

Better ejaculate than ejacunever.

Before sex, u help each other get naked. After sex, u only dress yourself. Moral of the story; in life, no one helps u once you're fucked.

Tip: Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego

Everybody you have ever met came out of a vagina screaming in fear.

What If The Male Avengers Posed Like The Female One? http://t.co/nUM5StN4

You know you fucked up big time when you're reincarnated as a sock.

I wish I could commute to work by roller coaster.

Dear Twitter, I appreciate the offering of adding a location to my tweets, but I'd rather not be a CSI victim and be murdered in my sleep...

If He's Just Not That Into You, tell him to wiggle around some more.

The reason I swear so much is because fuck you.

I want all my contacts to take a picture of themselves squished against glass so when they call they looked trapped in my phone.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than a deaf person's orgasm.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Cause your face is pretty fucked up

The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

Just found out the hard way that men are neither impressed nor aroused by girls who can sing the whole theme to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Want to get high for free? Tell a bunch of stoners you have never smoked weed before.

I hate how my job always expects me to show up.