Sorry, you're at the wrong gate, Osama.

Thanks guys, but I think I'm just going to spend my birthday alone this year.

Birthday party is the same theme as last year!

Just once, I'd like a surprise birthday party.

EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!

Hey @pontifex, can I get a follow back!

How much #hash can a #hashtag #tag #hash if a #hashtag can #tag #hash?

It's not over 'til "I" say it's over.

HEY BLIND MAN! Made you look.

Look guys, I ain't blessing y'all anymore just because you sneezed. Didn't sign up for that.

For the record, seat belts don't save lives. I do.

What's this "sex" thing people keep talking about? I've never had it. Mom says she's never had any. And Dad keeps avoiding the topic.

Dad just told me he was Santa. This ruins everything.

Was going make my second trip down to the surface to get tech support for my iPhone, but now that Steve is here...

I've been on Twitter since 01-01-0000. My first 5 followers were Peter, Andrew, James, John, and Philip.

The Beatles are bigger than me but come on there's like four of them.

The crappy part about being in the trinity is that you have to buy your own Fathers Day presents... then act surprised after opening them

Women are always right.

ARE YOU READY FOR A MIRACLE!

Don't call it a comeback.