Two guys walk into a bar... I forget the punch line, but Amy Winehouse dies.

Any advice I get is immediately followed by me singing " it's my life " by Bon Jovi.

I may only have 24 followers, but it's a STRONG 24.

I'm only funny after 140 characters.

I'm so glad my dick doesn't bleed for a week.

You tell me what " pwnd" and "ftw" means and I'll tell you what a blow job feels like.

I just pooped a pint of blood. I think it's cute that my body wants me to quit drinking.

All these survival shows make me realize how pathetic I am.

No matter how bad my day is, I'm still not on " To Catch A Predator".

I still can't believe Amy Winehouse died again.

There is an art to tweeting, I'm still in the " finger painting" stage.

I'm not mad that I lost a follower... I'm mad that I care.

Being single is awful! Who wants to have money saved up and hang out with their friends whenever they want and sleep with whoever they want?

Turned down what could have been the best sex ever !! Fuck you, guy code.

Cheers to the black man.... For taking it all in stride.

I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.

I'm shit types of sixfaced.

Of course I drink and drive. I'm not gonna get drunk at home alone, idiots.

I dress like Jesus and use a fake name, because if my family ever saw this they would shank me.

My piss is glowing. Thanks, B-12.