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Bono revealed he has glaucoma.
This explains his new song, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For Because I Can't See Shit."
PSY's "Gangnam Style" is now the most-watched YouTube video of all time.
Congratulations, Earth... you're fucking retarded.
Bob Seger doesn't relocate during the day.
He prefers Night Moves.
Does anyone have a savings account?
I'm just checking.
When flying to Kansas, you're allowed one carry-on, my wayward son.
Okay, Giants fans... don’t get so stoned tonight that you forget to vote to legalize pot tomorrow.
Jim Henson would've been 75 today.
Details surrounding his death are still a little Fozzie.
Bert & Ernie won't be getting married, but they can SnuggleUpIguess.
Paul McCartney turns 70 today.
This might explain his new song, "Back in the AARP."
Herman Cain plans to make a "major announcement" this Saturday.
(please be gay, please be gay, please be gay)
I yell at Starbucks employees just to Venti my frustration.
Me: "I wanna see that new Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil show."
She: "I hate Michael Jackson."
Me: "He's not going to be there."
My car had a cameo in Sling Blade. However, I never played Cameo in my car.
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