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So Ashton broke up with his mom for real this time?
MILF is trending. Because nothing is sweeter on Mother's Day than being told you're fuckable. Better than flowers.
Awww, my little girl just told me I was beautiful and I said "You are far more beautiful" and she said "I know."
Wish I could sit Nic Cage down for a talk and let him know that Raising Arizona is the best movie he's ever been in. And then suffocate him.
My 8 year old son just told me he thinks the new Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill looks awesome. I'm telling him Santa's dead.
Cat keeps meowing, I keep meowing back at her.
Hope I'm pronouncing everything right.
He who laughs last is, in all reality, probably the dumbest one in the room.
Oh, life. Well played fucker. Well played.
I'm eating fajitas.
No one on Facebook cares either.
Warren Jeffs told his rape victims to ignore they pain b/c they'd be going to heaven. Hope the inmate w/ the biggest dick tells him the same
My 4 year old sounds like she's saying "cunts" instead of "skunks" so it's pretty great when she starts telling people how bad skunks smell.
All of my daughter's Barbie dolls look like they got into the wrong guys car
Went to facebook for a second. People tried to talk to me so I ran. I can still smell the highschool all over me.
It'd be pretty cool to be able to say "everything's personal" to someone who said it wasn't personal and then shoot them in an elevator.
I think we need to come to the decision to move in together.
We'll get a warehouse, some cots, 8 million condoms. It'll be fun, I swear.
I might even get crazy enough drink a beer or two. Fuckin' crazy ass bitch, I am.
My daughter just called a woodpecker a peckerwood. That beats all the funny shit you guys have said all day.
I'm drinking mudslide and eating coco puffs for lunch because technically I'm considered an adult and I can do it if I want to.
Think I'm gonna skip SNL tonight just in case Lindsay Lohan accidentally flashes that speckled roast beef disaster she has between her legs.
What, my tits aren't perfect round balls? I know it's a little confusing but it's because they're real, slut.