Best Buy: What's your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Finish your shot, there's sober kids in Africa.

Redneck at the gas station: "You got some shit in your mouth." Me: "They're called teeth."

I was asked again by another coworker if I have a twitter account. I really don't want to mix my fake friends with my fake friends.

Its only embarrassing if you care what people think.

I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

I was SO PISSED at my roommates earlier!! I said, "Mom, dad, as soon as I turn 34, I'M SO OUTTA HERE!!!"

The best part about sleeping in your car outside of a bar is waking up and realizing that you're already at your destination.

My phone wanted to auto correct, "mos def" to "most definitely." I swear, my phone has absolutely zero swag.

I've actually got three tickets to paradise. This is awkward.

My son is so happy that he can stay inside the lines. Now he knows how daddy feels driving home from the bar.

What is this 'favstar' star thing? -me 5 months, 4 jobs, and 3 girlfriends ago.

Take a sip out of a flask and watch how quickly people judge you.

I'm the most eligible bachelor in my parents basement.

TIP: Girls love puppies PRO TIP: Girls love injured puppies ADVICE: Push a puppy down the stairs.

My favorite color is beer.

I don't exactly know what Dora the Explorer explores, but if she could help me find my dignity right now, that'd be great.

Reese Witherspoon looks pretty funny eating yogurt, I'd hate to see Reese Withoutherspoon! HA! Get it it!?...She has no spo...Screw you guys

Time flies when you are throwing clocks.

The guy at the sandwich shop asked if I wanted bacon on my sandwich. I just gave him a funny look until he put it on.