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My neighbor is really good at planking in the pool. He's been doing it all day.
Hermaphrodites don't spoon, they spork.
I jizzed inside a sock last night and this morning I had 3 new pairs.
My ex-girlfriend called to tell me she has a sexually transmitted baby.
Feel sorry for the horse with the Sarah Jessica Parker-face.
Telling your kid you were having anal sex when he was conceived is a nice, subtle way of telling him he's adopted.
I wonder if shitty tweets go to Myspace to die.
I will be celebrating the 4th with an 8th.
This olive oil is no longer a virgin.
Been chasing after this girl for a while, she's a marathon runner.
I think I might have the first diagnosed case of adult onset virginity.
The most action I've gotten in a while happened today when the lady at Supercuts rested her boob on my shoulder.
If you wake up to a BJ I suggest you stop sleeping with your mouth wide open.
I cut my bangs. Now I can finally see my balls again.
I don't think I could ever be a shoplifter, I'm nowhere near strong enough.
I started masturbating into gloves. They last 5 times longer than socks.
"Frisbee is a tough sport to play alone." - man who invented the boomerang
If pigs could fly, I'd probably eat their wings, too.
I set goals and then I exceed them. For instance, I set my alarm for 8 this morning, but I slept till 11.
Racecar spelled backwards is redneck.
Too much television watchin' got me chasin' dreams. - Artis Leon Ivey, Jr.