My neighbor is really good at planking in the pool. He's been doing it all day.

Hermaphrodites don't spoon, they spork.

I jizzed inside a sock last night and this morning I had 3 new pairs.

My ex-girlfriend called to tell me she has a sexually transmitted baby.

Feel sorry for the horse with the Sarah Jessica Parker-face.

Telling your kid you were having anal sex when he was conceived is a nice, subtle way of telling him he's adopted.

I wonder if shitty tweets go to Myspace to die.

I will be celebrating the 4th with an 8th.

This olive oil is no longer a virgin.

Been chasing after this girl for a while, she's a marathon runner.

I think I might have the first diagnosed case of adult onset virginity.

The most action I've gotten in a while happened today when the lady at Supercuts rested her boob on my shoulder.

If you wake up to a BJ I suggest you stop sleeping with your mouth wide open.

I cut my bangs. Now I can finally see my balls again.

I don't think I could ever be a shoplifter, I'm nowhere near strong enough.

I started masturbating into gloves. They last 5 times longer than socks.

"Frisbee is a tough sport to play alone." - man who invented the boomerang

If pigs could fly, I'd probably eat their wings, too.

I set goals and then I exceed them. For instance, I set my alarm for 8 this morning, but I slept till 11.

Racecar spelled backwards is redneck.