That's why I pack mine “@brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 yr old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.”

Let's all stop being backseat lawyers on the issue of this guy's Miranda rights. I am a lawyer, and I still defer to the DOJ on this.

Faye is the worst. And someone needs to punch her in the mouth. #RHOBH

Best lines of this baby shower: "what was Jared's favorite toy?" "Nothing he broke them all"

Yesterday at this time I was starving and wanted breakfast. today i'm not hungry but still have a yearning for eggs.

Jessica Simpson looks like she's carrying Jon & Kate + 8.

I'm pretty sure the woman in the stall next to me is flirting on the phone.

Reading the prep for my colonoscopy makes me want to throw up.

The bit of chicken I just popped in my mouth tastes like cigarettes. Strangely I don't 100% hate it.

Today I learned that sun-dried tomato and basil wheat thins are damned good. That is all I learned today.

@spinsterellla don't you know? They're whatever they need to be to fit this weeks ep/Next week clean slate again @pnuts_mama @emokidsloveme

I have to wake up super early (for a weekend) to make brunch tomorrow but I'm not sleepy. #firstworldproblems

#downtonabbey airing schedule on pbs: http://t.co/y78rE9rw @spinsterellla @pnuts_mama @emokidsloveme @weelaura

.@emailgame's avatar might be my iphone's next wallpaper I really need to convince my mom to make it hers since she's always behind on email

Oh lord, now she has ribbons. At least she stopped singing. #snl

this can't be real. “@karyninny: this chick totally stole my idea for what to do tonight. http://t.co/BSAtUnQU”

sm, med & i dont even know what to do with that RT @thefakecnn: SEX NEWS: There are three sizes of condoms: Small, Medium, and Damn Liar.

Toldja its a dumb idea RT @someecards: At this rate many pplr celebs may literally be dead before they can tweet again. http://t.co/fTc4r7t