Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Way to not domesticate and ride Buffalo, dumb everybody who ever lived.
Every cat is Morrissey.
See because it's like Got Milk but ehh go fuck yourself.
Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Me: To the wall
Working on a Rubix Cube that sterilizes people who solve it.
"Yes Ill have the Mama say mama sah mo mah pee sah"
-Me whenever I order Thai food.
Can you fit "Rash is Gone" on a candy heart?
Worst way to die: Tiger mauling.
Best way to die: Take too much acid then mauled by tiger but you think you're getting hugged and tickled.
Lifenote: Tiger Balm is not a sexual lubricant Shirley please call back I'm so sorry.
I wonder how many chicks shit their pants trying to sing the chorus of "Firework"?
Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
Apparently my wife's "sex drive" does not include a stop at our house.
ME:"God loves everyone son" SON: "Even him daddy" ME: "No no, hence the wheelchair"
Drawing a neck tat on my son so he'll get a basketball scholarship. Or start slapping his preschool teacher when she fucks up snack.
Lady: So, umm, do you have any other skills sir?
Me: Other than dominating poon!? I don't see how any other skill would matter maaaam?
Me: *whispers* I'm gonna hump you...while you sleep...put it in..oh ye
Wife: Im still awake
Me:....I wasnt really gonna
Wife: shut up
When we used to get high, all we'd worry about was is there enough Fun Dip at 7 11. Now you gotta wonder, "Is Chad gonna eat my face?".
C'mon Favstar 30 bucks? For that I can hire a Hmong family to follow me and clap when I make a funny. Not now Mai Lei, hands at sides.
I think depression should be called "The Sads".
"Hey Bro, sorry you had to carry your alcoholic father to bed every night for 8 years.....here, have a Snickers."
I eat pooka shells to stay mello. http://favstar.fm/users/jimmy_boston