Way to not domesticate and ride Buffalo, dumb everybody who ever lived.

Every cat is Morrissey.

GOT TRASH?

See because it's like Got Milk but ehh go fuck yourself.

Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don't
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don't
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!
*runs*

Working on a Rubix Cube that sterilizes people who solve it.

"Yes Ill have the Mama say mama sah mo mah pee sah"
-Me whenever I order Thai food.

Can you fit "Rash is Gone" on a candy heart?

Worst way to die: Tiger mauling.

Best way to die: Take too much acid then mauled by tiger but you think you're getting hugged and tickled.

Lifenote: Tiger Balm is not a sexual lubricant Shirley please call back I'm so sorry.

I wonder how many chicks shit their pants trying to sing the chorus of "Firework"?

Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew

Apparently my wife's "sex drive" does not include a stop at our house.

ME:"God loves everyone son" SON: "Even him daddy" ME: "No no, hence the wheelchair"

Drawing a neck tat on my son so he'll get a basketball scholarship. Or start slapping his preschool teacher when she fucks up snack.

Lady: So, umm, do you have any other skills sir?
Me: Other than dominating poon!? I don't see how any other skill would matter maaaam?

Me: *whispers* I'm gonna hump you...while you sleep...put it in..oh ye
Wife: Im still awake
Me:....I wasnt really gonna
Wife: shut up
Me: K

When we used to get high, all we'd worry about was is there enough Fun Dip at 7 11. Now you gotta wonder, "Is Chad gonna eat my face?".

C'mon Favstar 30 bucks? For that I can hire a Hmong family to follow me and clap when I make a funny. Not now Mai Lei, hands at sides.

I think depression should be called "The Sads".

"Hey Bro, sorry you had to carry your alcoholic father to bed every night for 8 years.....here, have a Snickers."