My capacity to download and buy cool iPhone apps far outweighs my ability to remember to use them.

... I was never made of true stalker material anyway. It requires such... what's the word? That thing where you get up and leave the house?

Kinda convinced that Tobey Maguire & Elijah Wood are two guises of the same creepy-ass effeminate demon. What? Just me?

The daughter just requested "Salt and Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"

Thank goodness we're all legends in our own fractured, narcissistic minds. Or else Twitter's business model would be kaput.

I once met a brilliant man who told me "Words are the stepping stones of humanity". That man was Maya Angelou. True story.

I just got Twitter-spammed by a lesbian foot fetish site. HOW DID THEY KNOW???

It's funny to me how, socially, so few people get the memo that high school is over.

Geez... ask a doctor to put you in a phenobarbital coma until January 2nd and they get all uppity asking for "medical rationale". Unions.

WHAT?! TWITTER IS PUBLIC??!

ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod

I rocked the free world once. But, that's really not the kind of thing you can keep on doing.

I can smell success from a mile away. Or that may just be a chicken farm. Or it might be a *successful* chicken farm.

WTF! A man can't wear a pink dress shirt in this town without being shot looks? I'm plenty man enough to pull this off. Rednecks.

If you want to make sexually charged jokes on Twitter, but you feel uncomfortable being gender specific... I have one word for you. Nipples.

Coffee'd up. Bourbon. Hypomania upswing. Pixies tunes. Schemes. Lots of schemes. Bats. Flagrant disregard for reality. Gonna be a fun night.

Sorry... not much of a morning person. Or day person. Or night.

So... how're things with you? Good... good. That thing you were doing at that place going well? Good... good.

My goal for today is to inject the word 'forsooth' into normal conversation a minimum of 12 times with no trace of japery.

Daughter: "There are no monsters in the world... except strangers and hobos.

Nothing like high doses of caffeine to give you an inflated sense of your own abilities.