I delete enough tweets to know I should never get a tattoo.

Sweet Child O' Mine would have been 1:18 shorter if they'd had GPS in 1987.

Nothing screams "pics or it didn't happen" quite like the bible.

You can totally have your cake and eat it too. Just buy yourself a cake. And eat it.

This stuff is not hard, people.

It's no wonder crime is out of control, all the people with superpowers just sit around on Twitter all day.

Sheesh, you drop one thing while helping a friend move and everyone's all "Look what you did!" and "You're the worst pallbearer ever!"

I told my dad how many followers I have. He just pointed at stuff he'd built with his hands.

You win this round, dad.

If you're the type of person who asks one more question just as a meeting is wrapping up, there's a 93% chance I'd run over you with my car.

I'm so desperate for Twitter's approval that I've started calling it Dad.

Just got the new Yellow Pages in the mail today. Now I'm just waiting on the butter churn and blacksmithing tools…

I really like potato salad, mostly because it has the balls to call itself salad.

Just discovered I've been taking my wife's birth control and she's been taking my antidepressants.

She's REALLY excited about the new baby.

First place, bitches.



I mean good race, kids.

Don't you wish every mistake in life had that red squiggly line under it?

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll soon have a $30,000 boat and a drinking problem.

"Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water."

Because, you know, that's where you usually find water. On a hill.

Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.

The next Mission Impossible should just be two hours of Tom Cruise trying to explain Scientology.

Tweets with bad analogies are like driving past the mall on a Thursday.

I like my tweets like I like my Designing Women episodes: largely ignored in their time and then completely forgotten.