It's great being 31 and tweeting things you thought to yourself when you were 13.

I'm writing a story about a failure at life who turns down a chance to live in an alternate successful life because he would miss you guys.

Twitter is easy. Just type something in the box. Then hit "Regret"

"Site for Christian singles to meet." Isn't that CHURCH?

When I send an email to my mother-in-law, I fill the subject line with "FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW" so she will be sure to read it.

Went to eye dr. today. Got my eyes dilated. Dictating this to my wife. OK now press Tweet. But write out "press Tweet" for comedic effect.

Twitter, can you email me if someone reads my tweets.

I have Attention Surplus Disorder. That's why I've been staring at you.

I confuse people on facebook by complaining about weather that is not occurring.

Sometimes I forget I am not a bird and shouldn't get excited when someone spills a whole bag of pretzels on the ground.

"Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open. Open." - My Dental Hygienist

Gee, I sure hope that dead cockroach I found in the basement died of loneliness.

I don't know what I know until someone asks me a question and I make up an answer.

I've never stabbed anyone with scissors, but I need to constantly remind myself not to when ever I use them.

Uhh, thanks for the link to your tumblr post, but I think that 140 characters is enough for you.

Hi Honey, I'm home. How many diseases did you diagnose yourself and the kids with based on online research while I was at work?

I don't care how busy she is. I demand my wife scratch my back. Then I bite her hand and run away when I've had enough. I am a Man Kitty.

guy: What's wrong, Jimmy? me: You wouldn't understand. guy: Just tell me. me: I got unfollowed by someone I liked. guy: I don't understand.

"Okay, great idea. It starts with a shot of an alarm clock." - creative professional, making a movie, commercial, music video, or tv show

If twitter has taught me anything it's nothing.