Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

There's no "I" in stupid.

The song, 99 bottles of beer, is total bullshit. There's no way that I'm passing around a bottle of beer! Get your own! There's 99 of 'em!

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? -It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

Make awkward sexual advances, not war.

I want to live in a world where everyone who I follow on Twitter lives in my town.

I don't even wear clothes anymore. Your move, hipsters.

How about a little Radiohead? I'll bring the radio.

I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by fleeing the scene.

Don't bother asking. It's a banana.

You know you're poor when your bologna doesn't have a first name.

Don't drink or drive. ~The Amish

Everytime someone tells me something in a hushed tone, and they get very dramatic, I like to yell out: "BORING!" and walk away.

I always put my hands in the air when a song tells me to. ALWAYS.

Please don't call me a "pervert". I prefer the term: Sexually Creative Optimist.

I saw a lady with a tramp stamp that read: Welcome to the Jungle. My mom is so embarrassing.

I will...

Bind you

Tease you

Hurt you

Please you

Take you

Heal you

Hold you

Keep you.

Can we all just agree to start calling blowjobs, "bah-jay-jays"?

I'm that little onion ring that get's stuck in your fries. Didn't know you wanted me until you accidentally put me in your mouth. What?

My mom says it's cool if you guys want to come over and party in our garage.