I wish you'd have broken my bed, instead of my heart.

I think it's really cute how you always star me, but never retweet me. Kinda like giving me oral, but never banging me.

People think that if you love somebody hard enough then everything is just gonna work out. People are wrong.

It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

I wish more women realized how beautiful they are. Truly.

When I read a really stupid tweet I think “What an idiot. Why did I write that?”

Nerds make the best lovers....because intelligence and shit.

'Stalking' is such a strong word, I like to call it 'intense research on an individual' by the way, you're out of milk.

It's hard to answer the question "whats wrong?" when nothing's right.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Friend: "how do I get a guy to give me oral sex? What's the best way to suggest it?"

Me: "push his head down toward your crotch."

When you find that person who is beautiful on the inside, run after them; don't walk.

Sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera, & walk out of the building like nothing happened.

Ladies: never trust a guy who prefers BJ's to banging.

He's either a selfish asshole, or he plays for the other team.

Wine... check
Music... check
Book... check

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem.

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

If I tell you to pull my fucking hair, don't look at me like I killed your puppy. Just do it.

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

Silence is golden...
But duct tape is silver.

Google Earth gives you the ability to go see anywhere in the world, but what do You do? You go and look at your house!