Someplace theres a twitter IT guy cursing: If we didnt get 125,350 simultaneous tweets bout twitter going down we wouldnt have crashed again

For Halloween I think I will go as my ex, so for a day I will know what its like to have 90% of my stuff. Related:ImFiringMyFuckingLawyer

Sir, if you have to force it, you're putting it in the wrong hole. #OutofContextTechSupport

Why yes I did see Couples Retreat alone, I figured all the talk of commitment would scare off at least 1 guy and somebody would be left over

I have an iPhone and a dirty kitchen. Where the hell is the app for that?

Apparently Walmart brand american cheese slices taste pretty much the same w/ or w/o the wrapper. Not saying how I found out.

Cop car pulls into dark parking lot. Headlights illuminate...

Me getting into my clown costume.No punch-line because that actually happened

When the group of 12 yr old boys stop giggling at the computer is when you start to worry.

"No really your sexting was awesome & exciting. I didnt text back because..I was that into it." - is nicer then saying "I fell asleep on u"

Me:Where is ur underwear? 6:I dont like it. M:Why? 6:Its tight& I don't want a big penis.-At least he won't be disappointed.#ShitMySonSays

Starving - off to grocery store - Wait! I dont need groceries Im going to two parties tonight. I just need sandwhich bags and cargo pants.

Woman in grocery store, cart full of groceries, frantically digging fingers into a pint of chocolate ice cream. Yeah I get ur day.

Screw the farmers almanac, I just check my son's soccer schedule to find out when it will pour.

Ran into a buddy I have not seen in yrs. Played the whose ex is bigger soul draining, money sucking bitch game. Hate always winning at that.

On mornings where you see the last tweet you read was 3 hours ago, it means you fell asleep 3 hours ago.

As a parent Im torn.Daughter on one side, youngest boy on the other & me thinking if I disciplined them I would have nothing to twitter bout

If you didnt want me to stand &slowly stretch behind your cube you shouldnt have hastily clicked n clicked n then turned off your monitor

Driving in a light mist ensures two things, my car will get a partial cleaning and the battery will be dead 4 hours after I park it.

You know Halloween is over when dinner conversation includes, "get your finger outta my butt or you wont get any Christmas presents!"

I don't mind that the heater in the call center is on. I do mind that the guy in front of it smells like he bathed in wet donkey hair.