Relationships would be so much easier if we could just write each others dialogue.

The suspicious black car did not follow me home. How am I supposed to maintain this level of paranoia with this level of incompetence?

I don't smoke but I always travel w/ a Zippo lighter in case I have to light a beautiful woman's cigarette or the wick of a Molotov cocktail

Last time I was in Mexico I went through four Stephen King novels, next time I need to remember to bring toilet paper.

To the pretty woman in the wind blown skirt either you are too old to be wearing Toy Story panties or I'm too old to be looking at them.

Being the Road Warrior that I am I plucked a nose hair to lubricate my contacts rather than stop to find my eye drops. HARDCORE DRIVING.

A Hispanic guy was walking down the street in his sombrero,he was so authentic I wanted to wrap him in cellophane &stand him up in my office

I have always regretted that I have never had the opportunity to have absolute power corrupt me absolutely.

Lemonade is Methodist Heroin.

Just because your smiling at me SLICK doesn't mean you are convincing me of anything except that you had a spinach omelet for breakfast.

Negotiating with support staff at this company is like dealing with a tree full of shit throwing monkeys.

I looked so good today someone accused me of being gay.

Met a guy from Tennessee at the barbecue. He brought out some MOONSHINE for me to try. I was all badass until everything slipped sideways.

All those lost stars out there forming another night sky for another Twitter universe.

The great thing about memory is that it can be reshaped into a better version of actual events.

I have this niggling apprehension that Earth is a failed experiment abandoned to the offspring of some god as a toy for their amusement.

Don't you hate it when U find blood on your keyboard & you're not bleeding then U remember the body in the ceiling. Cheap damn ceiling tiles

The woman clucking like a duck in cubicle 4 was too enraptured with her own noise to notice my perfectly thrown wadded piece of retribution.

Friend caught smuggling a parrot across the Mexican border was asked by the guard how much money he had.The FINE was that exact amount.WEIRD

I'm listening to Billie Holiday feeling like I should be in a tux, drinking a martini, gazing at a beautiful woman through a haze of smoke.