I talked to Adobe yesterday: pic.twitter.com/yvcrmvyl

"Finally, a Captain America movie!" -Nobody

The fork you used at the restaurant tonight has been in hundreds of other mouths. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

"STOP!!" Karl Rove makes his way through the crowd clutching a wrinkled sheet of scratch paper.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME ALERT! Remember to dispose of your clocks and watches today as they will soon be obsolete.

if twete gets 1000 likes i take son to hospitle

Watching those Geico banjo guys kinda make you wonder if we're already dead and in hell.

If you could have dinner with any three people from history who do you think you are?

Interesting article. Controversial but true. http://t.co/MRg6nLCc

"I eat more ghosts than Pac Man." -Line from a rap if it's ever cool to eat ghosts.

Turns out the IKEA monkey wandered off the set of Wes Anderson's PLANET OF THE APES.

A lot of people without internet are talking about it on the internet.

Fox announced that Napoleon Dynamite will be an animated series. Fox made the announcement on Friendster.

"IT'S BEEN TWO SECONDS SINCE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT DEATH!" -My brain, every two seconds

What was the initial Twitter pitch? "You know the annoying comments section of most websites? We're going to be just that."

@pattonoswalt "Dude, they totally froze Hitler. I have proof." -Another guy who mixes up waffles and Hitler

HEY DUM DUMS, IT'S WOULD *HAVE* NOT WOULD *OF*.

FACEBOOK IS DOWN PLEASE EXIT THE INTERNET IN A CALM AND ORDERLY FASHION

Can't wait? Watch the first 15 minutes of next season's "Breaking Bad" premiere right now! http://t.co/X1QYvjxg

I'M STUCK IN AN OLD PHOTO WITH JACK NICHOLSON AND WE'RE AT A COOL NEW YEARS EVE PARTY