"Bigamy is a man having one too many wives. So is monogamy," Oscar Wilde

Brakeanoia: The urge to step on the brake pedal when you are riding in the passenger seat of a car

Give a guy an inch, and he'll call it a foot
#dodgyproverbs

Funny how on Twitter "people are following me" is a good thing: elsewhere it would be reason for a psych admission or a restraining order

I am a complete fuckup.

Dick Cheney NEVER apologized to the man he shot? Jeez, I apologize when I step on my CAT

Charlie Sheen going to write memoir? Does he remember..anything??

It's not a bad thing that I've been calculating lethal drug dosages in my head all day & matching them w/relatives ...right? RIGHT?

The Mom injecting her 8yo daughter w/internet-purchased Botox should be arrested for child abuse. Seriously.

I have a cat who plays fetch with a toy mouse. He will play as long as u will keep throwing.Guess he missed the "cats don't fetch" memo.

Bad pick-up lines: I came over to talk to you because the voices in my head told me to.

If you have 9000 followers and only follow 16 of them, then you are an unmitigated ass.

Stopped a doc from dosing a hospice patient with Fluconazole 500mg BID today. Yes, I AM awesome.

Shouldn't the psychics have seen this horoscope-change thing coming?
#justwondering

@nancysinatra Congress has their gold-plated health plans..don't care about Joe Citizen. If we die off from poor healthcare,problem solved.

Ah, to sleep: perchance, to dream

U brought me laughs,tears,smiles. You brightened my life if only a while. This is for you my lost friend. I hope that someday I see u again

Just for reference purposes, fighting me only accomplishes 2 things: it pisses me off and makes you tired.

Ah Xmas..what wld we do w/o stale tv specials,the songs ad nauseum,Clapper & Chia Pet (& Chia Obama) ads? Thank God it's nearly over.

@vesseldoc My sarcastic kid always greeted them w/ "I can't right now, I have to finish the pentagram in the basement!" Works like a charm