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Do not honk at me. I am obeying the laws of the road, sir. It is you whose goal today seems to be acting like a grade-A asshole.
I'm so tired, I might actually go to bed early instead of staying up late. [Starts to laugh hysterically, then starts to cry]
I hate commercials that pretend to be action movies. Why are you getting me all hyped up for a stupid reason?
When a smell lingers in your microwave: [Inhales] Oh, yeah. Pizza was here. But it's gone now, 'cause I ate it. [Inhales again] Dammit.
4 times in a row I've bitten my cheek in the exact same place. Ow. Ow. Ow!
I like to think I'm clever. And remotely funny. Don't we all? I also love to think out loud. Don't worry, I heavily edit the voices in my head.