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I wear workout clothes when I have no plans to exercise, thus confirming my Italian heritage.
The first rule of Social Media Club is you have to talk about Social Media Club. All the time. To everyone. Using every possible medium.
What kills me about the dogs at the #Maui Humane Society is how good each of them are in his or her own special way. https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151262030268439.468396.109836898438&type=1 …
I'll never forget the time I told someone to shut her piehole, and she asked me which one. Guess she really liked pie.
I looked back and saw one set of tweetprints in the sand, and Jesus said, "it was then that I unfollowed you."
I'm surprised my 7 y.o. decided against dressing up as the scariest thing she could imagine: Green leafy vegetables.
It's true: You can catch more flies with honey. I'm just not sure what's so great about fly-catching.
My doctor's a former lawyer. When he's angry, he gives me a cross examination, but he was able to get me out of a 24 hour flu in 10.
Booze is my copilot. On days like today, it's also the captain, crew, and about half the passengers. Hey, look, a mountai...
I love Colorado's four seasons: Winter, Road Construction, I Like Changing Aspens Too but I Have to be Somewhere in an Hour, and Wildfire.
This just in: it's too late to change the past.
Really, revenge is a dish best served before everyone's too drunk to care about what happened.
Waking up in a hotel bathtub full of ice. Note on the mirror says, "Nevermind. We put it back."
Teens have it so easy these days. Instead of driving past your crush's house, you can just look at it on Google Earth.
If I had a penny for every time I wished I had a million dollars, I'd have to wonder who negotiated that crappy deal.
I'm thinking of running for political office. I can see Alaska from my Google Earth.
Whenever I hear a woman refer to her breasts as "the twins," I'm always dying to ask if they're identical or fraternal.
No offense to her mom, or Wells Fargo support, but I'm hesitant to disclose my bank account information to anyone named Champagne.
Of course you realize that, with the dissolution of Don't Ask Don't Tell, we're on the brink of being able to talk about Fight Club.
Whenever I'm having a really great day, I'm always afraid Kanye West is going to pop up and ruin it.
Writer, latent inventor, devil's workshopper, late sleeper, dog lover, idle idol, sore winner, penny pincher, party crasher and late-bloomer.