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You get through a lot more chalk at a murder scene if you're an octopus cop.
A vegetable patch: weed it and reap.
It's weird that I still buy a toothbrush based on whether or not it's in a boy's colour.
The people in Friends must've had really flexible tenancy agreements.
How many elastic bands do you need if you want to fire a baby into space?
You think the queues for the iPhone 5 were big? Imagine how many people turned up when they invented pillows.
All of my socks have got holes in them. Otherwise it would be impossible to put them on.
People who use the word 'theoretically' will never actually help you with anything.
b = a pregnant l
God has put a secret message in everyone's orgasms. Come to think of it.
I can't bear children.
Wallace died at night. The bed tipped up, funnelling his body downwards as mechanisms dressed him and dug a grave. Gromit ate the corpse.
All starfish refer to a big footnote under the sea.
Do pigs have wrists?
Montag, Dienstag, Mittwoch, Donnerstag, Freitag, Samstag, Sonntag, Hashtag
Think of how much ink is saved because we don't have to print out our clothes.
If it's your ambition to get your name on a bench, kill yourself.
Want to make a confusing crime scene? Kill your victims with a shard of frozen cream.
Once I accidentally didn't put a hat all the way on and immediately got a record deal.
Film Editor @Whosjacklondon. Joke tweeter. Sea views. Anticipate expletives. http://favstar.fm/users/joejwest