I wonder if when it rains cows are like "oh crap, there goes my leather"

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying

I took a bath today but wore my shirt in the bathtub because I feel fat.

Blackberry says BBM will be available on iphone & android soon. Imagine being able to talk to your 1 friend who still has a blackberry. Wow.

This stupid bank machine told me my pin was ok. I think my pin is awesome.

All my friends on Facebook are posting pictures of themselves with their elderly girlfriends today. Disturbing.

I'm not calling my mom on Mother's Day... I have to wait for her to call me because she's in prison.

Helping little kids blow out their birthday candles is the best... it's super cute and you get to secretly steal their wish.

Me: is your son getting you a gift for Mother's Day?

Friend: Probably not

Me: Is he a deadbeat?

Friend: No, he's 2

Me: that's no excuse

I have a stalker now and it's super creepy. She shows up wherever I go... her house, her job, the women's restroom. I don't know what to do.

Sadly, yelling "WOO" doesnt make drinking at home and trying to do body shots out of your own belly button more exciting.

Me: I weighed myself before & after I pooped and I was heavier afterward

Friend: How does that work?

Me: I was eating while on the toilet

I don't know how to use a colon, a semi-colon, or a semiautomatic-colon

Tonight is my bachelor party... so if you see me duct taped to a telephone pole, or handcuffed with a ball gag in my mouth, please help me.

The best kind of dates are the surprise ones... where she doesn't know shes on a date, who you are, or why you're sitting at her table.

I keep my antidepressants in a breath mints case to hide how many I take, and because it makes sharing mints at work way more fun.

After much trial and error, Ive learned the best response to give when my fiancé asks if she looks fat is to just leave the house for 4 days

If youve ever wondered what I look like on the dance floor, picture a tall, hairy, white guy hoola hooping without a hoola hoop.

I wish you could end conversations in person like you can on the phone... just say "okay bye" and then walk away.

Thanks to ludacris, I don't even know how to spell that word anymore.