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If Canadian officials want to find the cougar that attacked a 3yo girl they should walk through the woods yelling "Last call".
IF YOU LIKED IT YOU SHOULD'VE PUT A BACKUP GENERATOR ON IT
I sit on my left hand until it goes numb and then iron my shirts. That way it feels like my wife is doing it.
Judging by the wrinkles in this shirt, its "iron free" moniker must mean it won't rust.
Dr. Seuss should have written a book called "Oh, The Places You'll Settle For!"
"Talk to the hand." - Helen Keller
I keep eating meat and young Hollywood starlets keep posing nude for PETA in protest of my life choices.
California is considering a ban on plastic bags. Do not fret, Joan Rivers, you are always welcome in New Jersey.
Whoever invented white underwear must've been an optimist.
Ain't no party like a perpetual motion party 'cause a perpetual motion party don't stop.
My last tweet missed a period. Glad I wasn't married to it.
9yo Son: Can you Google anything?
Son: Google how babies are made.
It's fitting that the last three days of the work week are WTF.
Taking "Be a 50 year old celebrity" off my to-do list.
1.2 million Chuck E. Cheese toys recalled due to a choking hazard. If they had better food maybe kids wouldn't eat the toys.
Twas the night before Windows 7 launch day and all through the house, not a creature was stirring because no one gives a shit.
The sandwich artist puts new gloves on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
The only thing crunk in my life is the sound my body makes when getting out of bed.
Twitter would be a lot more useful if it could tell me what I *should* be doing right now.