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I thought John Edwards already ruined the sanctity of marriage in North Carolina.
Obama's winning debate strategy: just let Romney talk. #MockTheVote
Any restaurant is all you can eat if you bring a gun.
Valentine's Day is an uncomfortable day to purchase hand lotion and tissues.
Sad to learn that the confetti dropped on Times Square was made by shredding orphans' letters to Santa.
If someone says you're acting holier than thou, remind them who used "thou" in a sentence.
You're 8,000 times more likely to be murdered than to win the lottery, so tonight is going to be a bloodbath.
I will not keep calm or carry anything.
All of the iPhone 5 jokes are just slightly improved iPhone 4 jokes.
In this job market, I'm just happy the Russians who hacked LinkedIn have my resume.
I'm not a cat person, I'm a human being.
Has the Supreme Court decided on Man v. Food yet?
Ever rewind porn? A guy vacuums goo off a girl, and then steals her pizza.
Great idea to expand our Navy when all of our wars are in deserts. #debate
I once fell in love with an escape artist. She was the one that got away.
Jessica Simpson gave birth to a baby girl today, weighing in at 9 pounds, 13 million fat jokes.
For the record, everyone in Brooklyn felt the earthquake before it was cool.
Obama hasn't emailed me in a day, is he okay?
Writer and humorist, contributor to The New Yorker, McSweeney's, The Awl, and Someecards.