Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

She is less crazy "haha" and more crazy "uh oh"

My favorite response to someone asking how something works... "Magic" even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

If you are from Canada and are female there is a 99% chance I will follow. 50% chance if you are a dude. 100% if you are Wolverine.

There are moments I wonder what fucked up shit happened to you when you were young to be that fucking funny.

I'm a hugger.... because boobs.

Never underestimate my ability or willingness to make a complete fucking idiot of myself for one persons amusement.

I'll star your sad tweet but I imagine it's a little digital hug instead.

Never apologize for being yourself.... fucking ever.

Medieval Sext: I deftly pick the lock of your chastity belt.

If you knew how much I sang in falsetto to my dog you would unfollow immediately.

Sext: My heavy flow day is over if you want to do it tonight.

If you snort when you laugh... that is a deal un-breaker, ladies.

Pretending I'm normal is fucking exhausting.

It is a caps lock kind of day.

You know you are a narcissistic asshole when you chuckle and proceed to star your own tweet while viewing your Favstar page.

I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you are doing it wrong.

VALIDATE ME, MOTHERFUCKER! - Parking Stub and everyone on Twitter.

Every single Trust Fund Baby who doesn't become Batman is wasting their potential.