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Dance like people are watching but they already think you're a massive idiot goober so you have no respect to lose anyway.
I watch a 1,000 people performing a Foo Fighters song together and I think the world must be mostly all right.
BREAKING: Ted Nugent Tweeting Home Addresses of Lions
Too bad that lion-poacher was a dentist. If he'd been a proctologist, maybe he'd've realized he was being an asshole.
Judge: The sentence is life
"Um, life is a word, not a sentence"
Judge: The sentence is... death by electrocution
"now THAT'S a sentence"
co-worker - "You treat everybody around here like they're stupid!"
me - "How would you know?"
What's in the duffel bag?
*dumps out Emma Watson cut in 3 pieces*
I said 3 part HARMONY!
"Oh that makes WAY more sense"
"Patronizing," am I? Well, well, someone's got a nice vocabulary!
"BLAM-blama-blama-blama-blama-BLAM-bam-BLAM-bam" - learn to play that and we'll have a good start on a Ramones cover band
ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest
NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il
ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that
The difference between moving abroad and a broad, is jail time.
If you're comparing Tim Tebow to Caitlyn Jenner, it better be to say that Jenner would make a better NFL quarterback.
If you have any self respect at all, never eat an ice cream cone where anyone else can see you.
I can mumble in 14 languages.
From the people who brought you the spork, it's the steaknoon!
Someone just fucking retweeted Ann Coulter and it ended up in my timeline. That's some fucked up shit on a Sunday night. Goddamn people.
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