An unnamed Jets player says it's time to bench Mark Sanchez. JUST IN: Unnamed Jets player has been identified as Geno Smith

If you set a goal but don’t take action to reach it, then it’s not a goal…it’s a daydream

Saw any clips of the Tea Party "protests" today? All white. No surprise, of course, but still such a fucking joke.

From Chad Ochocino to Chad, inmate ocho, cinco, tres, dos, uno, tres

#JayZProblem 66/99 Having to keep getting Beyonce pregnant to avoid ultimate Sasha Fierce once a month.

Happy Birthday @georgestrait, a king who wears a cowboy hat instead of a crown.

Cool Dad Tip: When your wife leaves the house, spray the counters and sink down with bleach. She'll think you cleaned.

If you have kids, always allow 10 - 20 extra minutes for "shoe finding time."

This is hilarious. RT @teapartycat: pic.twitter.com/j2L5drxXF7

#ff @chrisp74 @eddiealfano @whatthemuff @lynniet69 @uncouth_lad @f_faceiii @iscoff @john_e_catfish @jasonwads @texmexicanish @ragemichelle

Raisons de Tweetre #FF @zwolf666 @john_e_catfish @bsquaredbby @katbeloo @thenoahkinsey @stegasp @peachgrenade @vladchoc @cheetohface @iscoff

My husband just accused me of doing nothing all day. I can't wait until he sees I clogged the toilet. Boy, will he feel stupid.

I'll take Ray J's penis for $600... RT @kimkardashian: It's what's on the inside that counts...

my facial expression while pooping is similar to a blues guitarist improvising a solo

co-worker-"The rain freshened everything up and it looks like a beautiful day!"
me- "Thanks for that weather report from Walton's Mountain."

Absolutely NOTHING equals the satisfaction of seeing the asshole that tailgated & angrily passed you stopped by a cop a few miles down.

Your account is protected? Are you tweeting KFC's secret recipe of 13 herbs and spices?

If you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember Brad Pitt has Billy Bob Thornton's sloppy seconds.

A smoking jacket is a jacket you wear to smoke. And that's why I stay away from people wearing windbreakers.

#BungledMovieQuotes Jacks on, jacks off.