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co-worker - "Do you know what time it is?"
me - "Yeah, but not right now, ask me again at 5:30."
Took my dogs to the dog park and met a super nice lesbian couple who had a dog named Munch. They're now my two new favorite people.
being funny on twitter makes you a comedian the same way working at Subway makes you an artist
Judging from the number of crimes they didn't solve, the lamest buddy-cop team in the 70's had to be Simon & Garfunkel.
love when ppl tell me I should quit comedy after a tweet. hey dummy, Im doing this bc Im prob mentally ill not bc Im trying to write comedy
If I was Gisele Bündchen I'd shout "OMAHA!!!" during sex.
Seven NFL coaches have been fired this year leading to a 21% unemployment rate. Thanks a lot Obama.
There is an abundance of people who will tell you what you cannot do. Surround yourself with those who tell you what can do.
My office voted me their "favorite person no one likes," and I'm not sure what to make of it.
I'll pay you twenty bucks to tweet the same thing during the big-kids GOP debate on Thursday. https://twitter.com/RandPaul/status/687106006132879360 …
Hey guys, I'm real real sorry but some bad stuff is going to happen to a few of you..
I neglected to send out this month's chain mail.
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