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Churn me some butter, people with a fax number in your work email signature.
I got flipped off by a person with a "COEXIST" bumper sticker so maybe I'm the problem.
I love you for your mindgina.
I bet dudes who invent stuff like the highlighter pen or the Post-It Note are frustrated about being famous but not get-you-pussy famous.
What about "@realjameswoods has replied to your tweet"?
The firework plant near my old house blew up. Again.
nothing scarier these days than seeing a school you've never heard of trending on Twitter
Don't say you got your dog "fixed," like being able to reproduce was a defect. I believe in calling a spayed a spayed.
It's almost banal to say yet needs to be stressed continually: all is creation, all is change, all is flux, all is metamorphosis.
co-worker - "So, what are your plans for the day?"
me - "Gonna bury me an angel."
(how to keep conversations at work brief)
Why hasn't Donald Trump ever written another autobiography?
He keeps getting to chapter eleven and having to start over.
Can South Carolina roll over and play dead?
All alone in a new city, car died w bad battery, stranger helped me jump start, cried, now I'm about to drink a beer & watch Foo Fighters 😎
If a "herpetologist" is somebody who studies snakes, then I was wrong; my neighbor's not a herpetologist. What's a guy who needs Valtrex?
I'm obsessive-compulsive so every time I type "Mississippi" or "banana" I risk embarking on a lifelong project.
looks like Macaulay Culkin finally hit bottom https://twitter.com/TheValleyReport/status/642815010750599168 …
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