Your Jesus fish tells me you believe in not having fun.

One hour.

Money can buy imitation happiness. I'm cool with that..

Still waiting to use Geometry......

My sex life smells like chloroform.

I usually avoid using pickup lines, but saying "I have an iPhone charger" in a crowded bar always gets me at least 7 chicks.

I'd love to see a TV show based entirely on people getting annoyed trying to install software.

Bottom shelf drunk with top shelf dreams.

My wife installed a set of those Foxconn suicide nets on our roof. She must know.

Hey @penguins... pic.twitter.com/T77ZDEI4XD

BMW has recalled 220,000 cars due to a disturbing defect.

Several have been seen without a total douchebag behind the wheel.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed in spaces. Like: I’m going to the liquor store and I’m afraid it’s closed.

Celebrating Cinco de Mayo the traditional way (eating 5 jars of mayonnaise).

Putting whiskey in my coffee cause I hate my job!

MT @kybedard: Data Scientists will save healthcare  http://ow.ly/kHPGQ 

As always: Happy Star Trek Day! "May You Go Fourth and Prosper". #TrekYourself

There are people currently training for the "World Series of Rock Paper Scissors", in case you thought your life was pointless.

Where should you post that thing you want to share?  http://twitpic.com/cmqq8c 

Bring on the Islanders!

I liked titties before twitter.