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When I die I want the Tetris theme played at my funeral as my coffin is lowered into the ground.
Somebody just accused me of over reacting, so I burst into flames.
Anybody who asks a question on Facebook that could easily be answered by Google should be banned from the internet.
Hey, guys with thin material scarves & t-shirts. He can't hurt you anymore.
Doctors say I've only got about 60-70 years left to live, and that I'll die of natural causes..
You just never think it will happen to you.
An orgy is just naked Tetris, right?
That's a terrible thing to say!
...I must Tweet it.
My Facebook news feed is like a who's who of who gives a fuck.
Twitter is the hardest game I've ever played. I'm collecting stars but can't seem to get past the 1st level.
Think of a number between 1 & 10 and then go fuck yourself. That's magic, bitch.
Nothing like a hot bath in the afternoon to remind you how unemployed you are.
The 1 thing that Twitter has taught me is that I should have talked to strangers when I was younger, because strangers are hilarious.
I love cuddling my kids in the morning, they're like teddy bears... Little annoying teddy bears that are slowly tearing my life apart.
I kinda told a bunch of people that I was a big deal on Twitter. So if people start asking questions I'd appreciate if you all lied for me.
My Dad's ginger & my Mum's black. I'm a bully's goldmine.
I realised that my life was a joke, so I tweeted it.
Fuck, I forgot to vote! And I forgot to be American! And I forgot about Dre!
Celebrity perfumes and colognes: because being pretentious needs a fragrance.
I think that if you drink milk that comes from another species' tit, you have no right dictating to gay people what is and is not natural.
I Tweet funny shit. You Tweet funny shit. we laugh, we die. I come back from the dead and piss on your corpse. Good times!