When I die I want the Tetris theme played at my funeral as my coffin is lowered into the ground.

Somebody just accused me of over reacting, so I burst into flames.

Anybody who asks a question on Facebook that could easily be answered by Google should be banned from the internet.

Hey, guys with thin material scarves & t-shirts. He can't hurt you anymore.

Doctors say I've only got about 60-70 years left to live, and that I'll die of natural causes..

You just never think it will happen to you.

An orgy is just naked Tetris, right?

That's a terrible thing to say!

...I must Tweet it.

My Facebook news feed is like a who's who of who gives a fuck.

Twitter is the hardest game I've ever played. I'm collecting stars but can't seem to get past the 1st level.

Think of a number between 1 & 10 and then go fuck yourself. That's magic, bitch.

Nothing like a hot bath in the afternoon to remind you how unemployed you are.

The 1 thing that Twitter has taught me is that I should have talked to strangers when I was younger, because strangers are hilarious.

I love cuddling my kids in the morning, they're like teddy bears... Little annoying teddy bears that are slowly tearing my life apart.

I kinda told a bunch of people that I was a big deal on Twitter. So if people start asking questions I'd appreciate if you all lied for me.

My Dad's ginger & my Mum's black. I'm a bully's goldmine.

This is how I imagine every tweet up looks. http://t.co/TlLrgj4x

I realised that my life was a joke, so I tweeted it.

Fuck, I forgot to vote! And I forgot to be American! And I forgot about Dre!

Celebrity perfumes and colognes: because being pretentious needs a fragrance.

I think that if you drink milk that comes from another species' tit, you have no right dictating to gay people what is and is not natural.