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When I die I want the Tetris theme played at my funeral as my coffin is lowered into the ground.
Somebody just accused me of over reacting, so I burst into flames.
Anybody who asks a question on Facebook that could easily be answered by Google should be banned from the internet.
Hey, guys with thin material scarves & t-shirts. He can't hurt you anymore.
Doctors say I've only got about 60-70 years left to live, and that I'll die of natural causes..
You just never think it will happen to you.
An orgy is just naked Tetris, right?
That's a terrible thing to say!
...I must Tweet it.
Twitter is the hardest game I've ever played. I'm collecting stars but can't seem to get past the 1st level.
My Facebook news feed is like a who's who of who gives a fuck.
Think of a number between 1 & 10 and then go fuck yourself. That's magic, bitch.
Nothing like a hot bath in the afternoon to remind you how unemployed you are.
The 1 thing that Twitter has taught me is that I should have talked to strangers when I was younger, because strangers are hilarious.
I love cuddling my kids in the morning, they're like teddy bears... Little annoying teddy bears that are slowly tearing my life apart.
I kinda told a bunch of people that I was a big deal on Twitter. So if people start asking questions I'd appreciate if you all lied for me.
My Dad's ginger & my Mum's black. I'm a bully's goldmine.
I realised that my life was a joke, so I tweeted it.
Fuck, I forgot to vote! And I forgot to be American! And I forgot about Dre!
Celebrity perfumes and colognes: because being pretentious needs a fragrance.
Journalist. Comedy man. Inappropriate thought thinker, and Guinness drinker.