I'm worried about political instability in our nation's hipster coffee shops when all their mayors are at SxSW.

Lance Armstrong is banned from cycling for life. If you see him on a bike, please knock him off and then shout, "NO!" right in his face.

The Wii U is not just a new game console, it's a new way to spell the sound a fire engine makes.

Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling down the stairs / Nothing I can do, I totally fell down the stairs.

Hostess going out of business just as wave of pot legalization starts to spread. Two ships passing in the night.

My 12yo pointed out that no matter what happens, SpongeBob never gives up on Squidward. I can't stop thinking about that.

"We need to put the NEATO back in Magneto." - Magneto's publicist

My favorite movie is The Human Sentimentipede. An evil scientist stitches victims together and makes them share feelings. It's Norwegian.

Update on the blizzard on the east coast: it's now been upgraded to a Blizzard of Ozz. Crazy Train service has been suspended.

The Pope, formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger, just wants to get back to his first love: zinging rats.

When life hands you lemons, hide them before everyone starts saying, "Hey there goes Mr. Big Shot Lemon Owner." #quotesforshypeople

"I'm not sure why I was given a vote in the first place." - Judge Reinhold

Ray Liotta / Abe Vigoda! / Minnesota / New Toyota! #NewRhymesForSmellsLikeTeenSpirit

By the end of the show, Kristen Chenoweth will evolve into a series of high frequency sound waves devoid of corporeal form. #Oscars

Parks & Rec renewed. Good. Now please make @pattonoswalt a regular cast member and put him on every week. Thank you.

Amazon loads all music. Google will too but reserves right to kill pirated stuff. Apple charges $25 a year to resell you your own songs.

"Hey Josh, it's War. I just saw Lincoln. Had a horse in it. I couldn't help notice IT WASN'T ME." - War Horse leaving his agent a voice mail

How about a hand for Twitter for not crashing throughout this night?

YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS. Here is @donttrythis performing I Will Survive as Gollum as @neilhimself and I look on. http://t.co/h9sZlhA #wits

I'm no improv actor but I keep thinking of the Yes And rule. Yes, all this crazy horrible stuff is happening, And we can all do good, too.