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Today, there was a note on the fridge that said "Pick up milk". I replied with a note that said "I don't take orders from a fridge".
Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.
As he sipped from his #1 Dad mug, a new father once told me he's against gang bangs since the birth of his daughter.
My pants are so tight if I farted I'd blow my shoes off.
A meth lab explosion near my home says one thing; I live conveniently close to a meth lab.
I read that tweet before starring it. I read at an accelerated sixth grade level.
America's obesity statistics are best represented in a pie chart.
Nobody said it would be this hard to write 3-5 shitty jokes a day.
While having lunch at work I sing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" in hopes that someone will sit with me.
Osama Bin Laden dead. I'm sure he regrets checking in at his cave on foursquare.
The Hangover 2? I'm on the hangover 1,394.
When you fart and sneeze simultaneously, a unicorn is born.
A fat person jumping shirtless on a trampoline is like a life-sized lava lamp.
Bi-curious George always hoped there was more than a banana in the pocket of The Man With The Yellow Hat.
I was late for work and forgot to put on deodorant; the office smells like a hippo giving birth in a dumpster behind an Indian restaurant.
If I win the lottery the first thing I'll do is visit a lightning strike survivor to rub it in.
I enjoy the irony of breaking up lines with my health insurance card.
You can tell if a girl swallows by the face she makes when taking a shot of whiskey.
Can't the US pay off its debt by putting it on another credit card, like the rest of Americans?
I feel like I'm playing a real life game of minesweeper when I'm walking in the yard trying to avoid dog shit.
Nobel Peace Prize laureate, classically trained harmonicist, hot air balloon pilot, pathological liar