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Hey ladies with your oversized sunglasses… that's all lovely and good but I can't tell if you're 14 or 40.
Nutritional labels are too hard to figure out. They should just have like a fat guy or a slender woman or something saying this will be you.
Whenever I hear someone say, "you're better than that," I always think, "now they don't think so."
You probably wouldn't want to share a one-bathroom apartment with the guy from Man v. Food.
Whenever I see a squirrel make a successful yet harrowing run across a street in traffic, I feel like I've won the day.
I call bullshit on hair conditioner needing three minutes to do its thing.
Who's doing it most wrong: old hs friends still signing my Classmates.com guestbook, me for having the acct, or Classmates.com for existing?
Managing 3 Twitter accounts can be dicey. For ex, the other day I almost sent you guys my cat's recent tweet: "Happy to report: clean butt."
Another squirt of cologne is never the answer.
For a variety of reasons too numerous to list, I'm having trouble keeping up with the Kardashians. How are you guys faring?
The guy in charge of keeping those highway weigh stations open has got to be the biggest slacker ever.
It's amazing what a good night of sleep can't do.
There should be a new intermittent setting on wipers... we'll call it 'Oregon'.
The first thing I always ask when I get to the winery is what type of beer do you have.
"It's not gay if you don't make eye contact."
I never want to live in a city that doesn't want to keep itself weird.
Does McDonalds export its coffee from the sun? I didn't need those tastebuds.
When you're the web guy at the company, every site you surf is for "professional development."
Part-time Stay-at-Home Dad • eCommerce/ Digital Marketing Consultant • Photographer • Ducks, Giants, Mets, USMNT Fan • See my @eugeneguy for all things #Eugene.