I can't begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.

Just killed a mouse in my apartment. And a big one at that; he was about 5'10", wore overalls, and kept shouting, "Please stop killing me!"

Fuck you, mustard water!

Die Another Day (12:30 in Newfoundland) #CanadianBondMovies

"Ha ha ha! This Bazooka Joe comic is hilarious!" - Nobody

Two scientists walk into a bar. First one says "Give me an H2O." then drinks it. Second says "Give me an H2O too." then drinks it and dies.

I see your vagina and raise one penis.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by not paying it!

The 11th commandment was "Just chill thineself the fuck out" #biblefirstdraft

Instead of working out, I ocassionally buy a pair of fatguy pants, put them on, and hold out the waist in front of the mirror.

Untucked bedsheets are the number one cause of monster attacks.

To make your tweets read with the rhythm of Seuss, add lots of fake words like fintabble and vrouse.

The laziest person I know is my iPhone battery.

I often remember my father's last words: "Don't son! That gun's loaded!"

Nothing says "I will stab you" like a facial tattoo.

I'd probably have more friends if it weren't for my high standards, and need for ritualistic human sacrifice.

Kudos to the Supreme Court of Canada on standing up for the right of Canadians, and not bowing to Harper's wishes. #Insight

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and last night I gave you chlamydia. Sorry.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead, I'm already bent over." - Me, talking to today

I support sexual equality by calling women "dicks", and men "cunts".