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I feel like such a badass when I walk through rain without flinching
Females are oversharers by nature. Never trust a bitch that always responds with less than 3 words.
Tweet like some douche isn't gunna pop up with an irrelevant comment.
Seems like only people with IQs that break triple digits can detect sarcasm in writing.
Your spirit animal needs to shut the fuck up and get laid already
Yep, it's confirmed. I'm a jerk. Saw people running up to the elevator and I kept pushing the 'Door Close' button with a smile on my face
The word "secrete" makes me want to wash my hands incessantly.
Men are so lucky women aren't visual creatures.
A stripper once told me that if a girl takes care of her feet, she definitely takes care of her pussy.
WHY oh why am I able to smell your crotch from here?
PETA attacks Nintendo's Pokemon because it's deemed as animal cruelty? Talk about the epitome of first world problems.
When I'm told that I rock your world, my snap response is "Now lemme rock your FACE!" But the polite thing to do is smile, nod, and say thnx
I don't like using the public restroom for fear of some bitch like me overhearing the birth of a velociraptor and tweeting about it.
Words of wisdom boys: do not mess with a female who may be armed with an arsenal of strapons and possibly street training in muay thai.
I stamp out cigarette butts like an elephant threatened by the campfire.
That awkward moment when you speak slowly at an older Asian citizen and their English delivery is like John Wayne's.
I'm not a douchy asshole, I just say douchy assholey things so you won't fall in love with my awesome. *flips hair*
The only thing worse than being hit up for money when you exit the grocery store is when they completely ignore your broke lookin ass.
If you aren't embarrassed of me randomly belting out Careless Whisper with the conviction of a jilted gay man, we can be friends.
I'm gross. Brought my uncovered drink into the restroom. Now all I can think about is my neighbor's shit particles landing on my ice cubes.