@jordonm's (Jordon Meyer) most favourited tweets

@jordonm

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@jordonm's (Jordon Meyer) most faved Tweets...

Celebrating guys who don’t ask for directions since 1492.

@jordonm

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These balls aren’t going to kick themselves. Ladies?

Wait... I think I did that wrong.

@jordonm

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I’m that guy who’s too cool for an umbrella.

I’m that soaking wet idiot sitting at my desk.

@jordonm

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54 steps from my desk to the coffee shop! As close as you get to having Juan Valdez and his donkey in your office. Also, OCD.

@jordonm

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Asbestos? More like Asworstos! Amirite?

*crickets*

…a bunch of Mesothelioma fans, that’s what you are.

@jordonm

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You thought sharting was bad? Try a spell of shiccups!

@jordonm

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Someone forgot to tell my bladder that I was sleeping in an hour today. I needed new sheets anyway, Smurfs are so last year.

@jordonm

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I bet the inventor of the word game Autoerotic Asphyxiation Man is pissed that people call it Hangman.

@jordonm

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If I could choose - I’d like to die by freezing to death in a Dairy Queen Blizzard.

@jordonm

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Accidently opened the freezer instead of the fridge this morning. *Accidently had an ice cream Snickers for breakfast.

@jordonm

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Costume Ideas: Drunk Michael Phelps, Drunk Bishop, Drunk Doctor, Drunk At Home.

@jordonm

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Confession: I leave my eyes open when I get intimate with the crumbs in a Doritos bag.

@jordonm

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Building an Ark. AS BIBLICALLY.

@jordonm

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Ugh…my wife is going to be so naggy some day in the future if I ever get married!

@jordonm

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Tweeting across the desk is the new texting each other on the sofa.

@jordonm

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HEY weather! If I wanted to sweat my ass off while inappropriately wearing a winter coat on an awkwardly warm day, I’d call your mom.

@jordonm

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Wind is the mortal enemy of the combover.

@jordonm

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I'd rather get a direct cupcake than a direct message.

@jordonm

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Scoring with her is like scoring a touchdown; act like you’ve been there before.

Like the 57 guys before you.

@jordonm

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Muffin tops at a beach are far less attractive than muffin tops in a bakery.

@jordonm

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