Nine out of 10 people who suggest eliminating sugar from your diet are beaten to death with a pillowcase full of snickers.

Hoo-ah!

If he doesn't hold you like a bowling ball, he's just not that into you.

Rdio playlist of gum commercials for my workout mix.

Omfg rhubarb pie

I had to look up some words in your tweet but I’m faving it anyway.

So far, so food

Just yelled "SHUT UP NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK YOU" at a bird doing a mating call.

Every single one of us, including Gwyneth Paltrow, has a goatee around our butthole.

I would never joke about your mother's favorite sexual position.

That would be beneath me.

Don't forget to shake your head and look disapprovingly at childless women today

Awesome Father's Day present idea: Forgive us for ruining Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, chickens, sorry I just ate a bunch of your eggs/children!

Did half the dishes after my wife made breakfast. #happymothersday

"Happy Fathers' Day!" - Seahorses

Any moms at the Minneapolis airport want a special gift from me, you’ve got about 20 minutes to collect it.

Congrats to all my Facebook friends on having the best mom in the world!

Guess what’s tighter than fuck tonight? If you answered “my jeans,” treat yourself to some ice cream. You’ve earned it.

The shower in my hotel room has the same fixtures as the bathroom of my childhood home. Can’t stop weeping.

The final score of our T-ball game was Adorable to Nice Try Guys.