Well, my girlfriend said we can't go out tonight because she doesn't exist.

I have a Jew-fro today. If anybody needs me, I'll be the kid with the big nose buying matzah for Passover at the Wailing Wall-Mart.

Lost another follower. To AIDS probably.

The gym is where I go to find potential spouses who are stronger than me.

No one is as cute as a button anymore.

My life is the piece of chip left behind in the dip.

A fun way to make chess more interesting is to stop playing chess.

I let the American flag touch the ground in 6th grade and I'm still worried the FBI will find me.

Fat girls eating salads, don't worry about what others say, I'm noticing the change.

Regardless of your age, race, gender, sexual orientation, you will have stepped in gum at least once in your life.

Old people hold their cell phones funny.

For those of you who are just tuning in, Thomas Hayes is a weird boy at my school who no one likes. I tweet his misfortunes.

Scott Baio is dead to me because I don't know who he is.

I personally knew Humpty Dumpty. He was an adrenaline junkie and his whole life he took chances. I was not surprised at his death.

I swear if I see one more autocorrect joke, I'm going to funk shift up.

You know, this would've never happened on People's Court.

It says I'm still single on Myspace. Some things never change.

Just saw an attractive person at Walmart. I know right?

What do potheads and criminals in the Middle East have in common?

They get stoned.

There's this huge box under the Christmas tree for me. Hopefully it's a girlfriend and will still be alive by the 25th!