Why are the women in tampon ads so hot? Don't try to appeal to me! I AM NOT YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC! unless.. no, no! I AM NOT YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC!

Reasons why angels make bad wingmen: 1. their giant wing span means they knock over other ppls drinks. 2. their moral superiority is irksome

I shall name my first born daughter Commitment and all men shall fear and flee her and she will be pure and innocent her whole life. Huzzah!

Training an endangered penguin to be your personal butler raises certain moral issues such as OMG IT'S SO FUNNY WHEN IT WADDLES WITH MY BEER

An only child invented the boomerang.

Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between tweets

“Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” I told my staff while standing naked smoking a bong waiting for money from the government

As a catholic, what really annoys me about my self imposed job at the condom factory is how long it takes to poke a hole in every single one

Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life. And I just won't be a part of that.

I agree with the well known adage; you own a house once u have masturbated in the kitchen. I own 14 houses. Don’t tell my family or friends.

In the future ipods will be so small that they'll be invisible. OMG I could be in the future right now surrounded by ipods and not know it!

I just typed 'New Zealand exciting travel destinations' into google and it said: Did you mean 'Australia'.

I hate it when stairs in a stair well are too close together because it forces me to prance. And I don't have time for that.

I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

I'm kind of the black sheep in my family. I really stand out in family photos. Because they're humans. And I'm a black sheep. Baaa

War. What is it good for? Absolutely obtaining the resources of another sovereign state. Increasing expenditure to stimulate the economy.

It's amazing the different levels one can reach by meditating in an elevator.

There's nothing quite as amusing as organising a huge suprise party for an agoraphobic friend. Sooo funny, big scared eyes and the writhing!

In a mutual apology situation I apologise first, forcing the other party to apologise, I then say: "A-HA! I wasn't really sorry!". Sorry.